Jokes Quotes · Page 82

I'm not good at anything except writing jokes. I wasn't good at sports, I wasn't good at anything artsy, ever. I think…

— Mindy Kaling

If you're going to have a book full of clever people and nobody ever jokes, it's just not going to ring true…

— Patrick Rothfuss

I can’t be sure, of course, but I’d compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our…

— Stephenie Meyer

I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it.

— Steve Martin

Even evangelicals realize that Pinocchio's father was a carpenter too. That's the old joke.

— Robin Williams

Warner Brothers had to hire [a stunt double] and no one thought a child could do this. Billy Friedkin came to me…

— Linda Blair

I don't have to write jokes. I don't have to write insults. If you ask the man of the hour in the…

— Rachael Ray

Love it when someone's laugh is funnier that the joke.!

— Anonymous

People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.

— Hussein Nishah

He who does not understand a joke, he does not understand Danish.

— Georg Brandes

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything…

— Norm MacDonald

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a…

— Ron White

Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense.

— Georg C. Lichtenberg

My first job was selling doors, door to door. That's a tough job isn't it? Bing Bong; Hello, can I interest you…

— Bill Bailey

I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back…

— Jim Gaffigan

Running for me is a sport. It's not a joke. It's serious.

— J. R. Martinez

Even if the painting is green, well then! The 'subject' is the green. There is always a subject; it's a joke to…

— Pablo Picasso

I lived that life for real, so to talk about it was like a joke, you know what I mean?

— Anonymous

Now and again there will be the occasional joke about owing someone two dollars from the days in '63 when I was…

— Robert Plant

I came across an old story of mine that I'd written a decade ago. The main joke of the story is that…

— Alexander Weinstein

You are so lame. You always disappoint me. It's kind of like our running joke but it's really not funny and I…

— Ani DiFranco

A lot of people are actually surprised when I do open up my mouth and smile a little bit, and crack a…

— Tim Kang

Guys will definitely settle for women who get the joke. But a woman who can make you laugh? It's not high on…

— Hank Azaria

I'll have 2 vodka sodas 1 with birth control in it.

— Kevin McCarty

Paul was dying of an un-known illness. His wife sat at the bedside comforting him. He looked up and said weakly, I…

— Unknow

I got expelled from school on pajama day....But its not my fault I sleep naked.

— Anonymous

How do you know you told a good punch line, a good joke? It's because they laugh. How do you know you've…

— Katie Holmes

I have been sober for the longest time. Oh, it's over a decade now. No joke.

— Dana Plato

People might be making too much of me maturing and growing; I’m still the same person. I still like to joke around…

— Patrick Kane

I secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes.

— Marshall Brickman

If you play Mark Twain and he's not funny, you are definitely not playing Mark Twain. That was the biggest challenge, in…

— Val Kilmer

Life must go on, even if it's no joke...just pretend to believe in the future.

— Louis-Ferdinand Celine

I presume that each country will have a different response to each joke. But mostly what I've seen is that everyone has…

— John Michael McDonagh

Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.'…

— Robin Williams

I scream, you scream, both of us scream because we are being murdered while eating ice cream.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you can make it sound exciting with a joke drum machine, you know you've got something.

— Jeff Beck

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said…

— Harry Hill

The joke of it all is that you are looking from your true nature right now without knowing it. If you would…

— Adyashanti

If they invent a car that runs on stupid jokes, you could go far.

— Haruki Murakami

Of course, there are the old hardcore teacher types like me who sit around and tell jokes, realizing, what's the difference anyway…

— Frederick Lenz