Jokes Quotes · Page 36

“Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Is that a joke? Please tell me you're joking. -Sophie I never joke about carnivorous bunnies. -Luca

— Rachel Vincent

Puddle: A small body of water that attracts other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

— Nikhil Saluja

Most people don't realize their opinion is irrelevant as fuck.

— Nikhil Saluja

Laughing at your own joke so hard that you can barely tell it.

— Anonymous

Last night I called this girl. SLUT in public & now she is charging me double for sex.

— Nikhil Saluja

Hmm. I'm still not very good at algebra. I just can't figure out Y.

— Anonymous

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

— Nikhil Saluja

Magicians are definitely more arrogant. They're kind of like "Abra Kadabra, you're an idiot," they don't let you in on the joke.…

— Jim Carrey

Everybody in my family had a real sick, twisted sense of humor. Most of the jokes we make in our house, we…

— Seth MacFarlane

An old paleontological in joke proclaims that mammalian evolution is a tale told by teeth mating to produce slightly altered descendant teeth.

— Stephen Jay Gould

I have Bob Dylan lyrics on my ribs. I'm a diehard Dylan fan, and my dad and I joke that if I…

— Carly Chaikin

They can crack jokes. They can sit back and analyze and criticize and make all the fun they want. But I'm living…

— Kai Greene

I had always been - everybody kind of likes comedy. I was very interested in comedy, beyond just liking it. I had…

— Chris Rock

Musician jokes are a kind of joke that usually have to do with how much money someone makes. Musicians are always starving,…

— Jackson Browne

I heard some interesting things about your performance up here." "I hear interesting things about your 'performance' all the time Doug, but…

— Richelle Mead

My writing process is very feedback based - I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting...…

— Mike Birbiglia

You cannot reduce the situation to worm jokes, Will. This is Gabriel and Gideon’s father we’re discussing.” “We’re not just discussing him;…

— Cassandra Clare

“So...Rayna and Nico," he said. "From the secon she saw him," I agreed. "They seem good together," Ben said. Then he smiled,…

— Hilary Duff

She's different from the girls I'm used to dating. She doesn't get tired of my stories and jokes or expect me to…

— Tim Tharp

I like to joke that I probably hold the world record for rejection letters. Yes, the truth is that I was fed…

— Ashwin Sanghi

I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake…

— Christopher Titus

Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?" It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in…

— Janet Evanovich

To me, nudity is a joke. I don't think nude people are very attractive at all. I like my women fully clothed.…

— Charles Bukowski

I farted in the apple store and everyone got mad but it wasn't my fault they don't have Windows.

— Ramandeep Singh

Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them.

— Jimmy Fallon

I look at some 'Fast Shows' now and I just think, 'Where are the jokes?'

— Paul Whitehouse

There was always another side to a joke, the side of the victim.

— Graham Greene

Whenever fortune wishes to joke, she lifts people from what is humble to the highest extremity of affairs.

— Juvenal

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

— Bob Hope

I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it.

— Steve Martin

I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea.

— Anonymous

Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.

— Anonymous

I'm one of the people who actually laughs at everyone else's jokes!

— Russell Howard

Ladies: Men wouldn't cheat if you did a little less nagging, and a little more gagging.

— Nikhil Saluja

Make jokes. No stress. Love. Live Life. Proceed. Progress.

— Lil Wayne

[Bobby Tom] finally understood Gracie's function in his life. She was God's joke on him.

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Times change. The farmer's daughter now tells jokes about the traveling salesman.

— Carey Williams

Not to get all technical; but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution!

— Anonymous

Comedy, at least the way I write comedy, is just drama with jokes.

— Rob Walton