I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that. — Jeff Dunham Copy Share Image
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Girls: Practice makes perfect! Boys: But nobody is perfect! So, why do we need to practice?! — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a hand job better than I can. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since… — Alistair Begg Copy Share Image
Comedians get jokes offered to them, rock stars get women and underwear thrown onstage, and I get guys that want to take… — Les Claypool Copy Share Image
I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things,… — Kathy Griffin Copy Share Image
Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There...take time out to pick… — Martin Lawrence Copy Share Image
Humor is such a strong weapon, such a strong answer. Women have to make jokes about themselves, laugh about themselves, because they… — Agnes Varda Copy Share Image
We write for those who get the musical jokes. But for those who don't, there is always something else going on. That's… — Richard Hyung-ki Joo Copy Share Image
I've got to have something. I want to stop it all, the whole monumental grotesque joke, before it's too late. But writing… — Sylvia Plath Copy Share Image
Many people think sports are totally physical, that you don't have to think, everything is done for you and you're catered to,… — Julius Erving Copy Share Image
Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire.… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
The whole movie thing has never been a source of great pride for me, in that Burt Reynolds, who starred in the… — Brock Yates Copy Share Image
Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound… — Buddy Hackett Copy Share Image
Percy, meet Gladiola. Gladiola, Percy." I stared at Annabeth, figuring she'd crack up at this practical joke they were playing on me,… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
Couldn't we end this interview with what I really want to say? That what the world really needs is a real feeling… — Marilyn Monroe Copy Share Image
When I would work freelance in production in Chicago, there were a lot of times when I was working for cheap, bad… — Andy Richter Copy Share Image
Woody Allen - nobody has been a better joke teller than him - and even in his great films, it's always coming… — Brett Gelman Copy Share Image
The joke is that U2's new record only looked like a virus. Enjoy mining bitcoins for me losers. — Thom Yorke Copy Share Image
I was always the class clown, and very outspoken with my jokes and comments. — Sky Blu Copy Share Image
“The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Tom did not suck my dick on a cruise while Kate Holmes ran away after Lord Xenu farted flying giraffes. — Jeremy Limn Copy Share Image
Open your eyes, close your mouth; See the flies, froze your laugh, cuz you now in dustbin — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when your friend jokingly says something about you but it secretly true. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Don't Take It Seriously * When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I've found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money so that I can buy the ingredients? — Scot Kennedy Copy Share Image
Fancy restaurant: The only restaurant that serves you cold soup on purpose. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
There's usually nothing in a guy's joke in which we have to understand what's going on in someone else's mind. — Robert Mankoff Copy Share Image
I always joke that I'm a British actress trying to break into Scandinavian TV. — MyAnna Buring Copy Share Image
