Jokes Quotes · Page 32

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.

— Desi Arnaz

I'm not freakishly short. I had, on my show, used shortness as a joke subject; it didn't really bother me.

— Dick Cavett

“Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If I ever let my head fall.. I promise , I would be simply admiring my shoes

— Mercy Pheona

No Offense Means, I'm About To Insult You, But Dont Get Mad.

— Pacifiersucker

I think it gets uncomfortable when you try to act like you didn't just tell a joke that bombed.

— Bill Burr

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

— Kevin

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

— Anonymous

I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on…

— Drew Carey

The once-surprising existence of non-Euclidean models of Euclid's first four axioms can be seen as a sort of mathematical joke.

— John Allen Paulos

Never assume that somebody loves you..Just Coz of their sweet Behavior towards you...Sometimes you are just an option When they are bored...

— Punkinhead Abhishek

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate…

— Craig Ferguson

Civil disobedience presupposes willing obedience of our self-imposed rules, and without it civil disobedience would be a cruel joke.

— Mahatma Gandhi

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is…

— Jim Gaffigan

I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.

— Paula Deen

Up until college age I was using the typical little-boy dummy that sits on the knee and makes woodpecker jokes. My first…

— Jeff Dunham

I like to challenge myself not to be negative, because it's easy to take comedy to a negative place and criticize the…

— Kyle Kinane

I think for a lot of people, bowling is sort of a joke. But I love it, and it means a lot…

— Chris Hardwick

There's always a source for humor [in politics]. If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's…

— Calvin Trillin

When Harel wished to put a joke or witticism into circulation, he was in the habit of connecting it with some celebrated…

— Louis Edouard Fournier

I just do little jokes all the time and people think I'm serious. I know exactly who Gordon Ramsay is, I know…

— Paris Hilton

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready.…

— Anthony Jeselnik

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a…

— Mitch Hedberg

Growing up, I was watched by my parents and strongly critiqued. Instead of saying they loved me or showing physical attention, they…

— Neil Strauss

Gasp Reflex : The reaction of a new father when he sees the new mother's breasts.

— Nikhil Saluja

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.

— Werner Heisenberg

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

— Joan Rivers

My penis should make me breakfast on morning. It is always up before I am.

— Anonymous

I hate those movies where hundreds of people get blown up and there are jokes afterward. They poison the soul.

— Rob Reiner

For jokes as well as justice come in with speech. - Aslan, The Magician's Nephew

— Anonymous

How to sleep faster, decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom

— Anonymous

God made woman and the other day he made beer because he was like holy fuck, sorry bro.

— Nikhil Saluja

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

— Jim Gaffigan

Your pregnant is the only AprilFool joke you women got? Find a new joke cause that been played out years ago

— Deon Crockett

Teacher: name four member of the cat family/ pupil:dady cat;momy cat;and two kittens :D

— Anonymous

Taking a call girl to an STD fair... there's a joke here.

— Donald Glover

All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us.

— Yahoo Serious

I grew up in the projects. You have no choice but to fight. My jokes used to get me in fights.

— Marlon Wayans

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

— Nikhil Saluja

When you're an older woman [in a movie] you tend to be in - how did you put it? You're the brunt…

— Jane Fonda