Jokes Quotes · Page 33

I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.

— Geoffrey Parfitt

I'm a professional hanger outer. I'm a super liability, too. I joke around and I'm like a hyper-active child.

— Donal Logue

French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.

— Ronnie Corbett

Sweetie, if you opened a book more times than you opened your legs,you might actually get somewhere in life.

— Nikhil Saluja

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dont do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor aint.

— Punkinhead Abhishek

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

— Rod Schmidt

To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

— Nikhil Saluja

Humor [in a scene] is not jokes. It is that attitude toward being alive without which you would long ago have jumped…

— Michael Shurtleff

My first job on the radio was writing jokes for a Baltimore DJ called Johnny Walker, who was sort of a '70s…

— Ira Glass

I try to exist in a world where there is freedom of opinion, where you're allowed to make jokes. I don't want…

— Boy George

That's something - you laugh about Eminem... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know.…

— Alan Vega

The case against Jeff Sessions was threadbare three decades ago. It's based on hearsay and innuendo and a joke he made about…

— Rich Lowry

Work very very hard. This business is no joke. Make sure you know what you want or you might be taking someone…

— Zoe Cassavetes

“Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind…

— Wanda Sykes

People have a comic bent or an angularity to their thinking, and those are the people who make jokes. And it's usually…

— Carl Reiner

Cooking allows you to have travels, adventures and journeys without going anywhere. The running joke between my partner and me is that…

— Ted Allen

“By the by,” Stephen said, “what is the difference between a viscount and a stallion?” Miss Marshall shook her head. “What is…

— Courtney Milan

I still have access to enough money to live on in order to avoid bankruptcy for at least a few years as…

— Patrick Stump

Comedy is similar to hockey... in only one way. You get a lot of credit for assists. So I try to serve…

— Johnny Galecki

The reason everybody is so amazed and enamored with me right now is because I have worked every angle, I have worked…

— Leslie Jones

Some street jokes are just timeless. There's an old street joke about comedians. The joke is that a beautiful girl comes up…

— Amy Schumer

Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining She said to her husband, Nobody loves me¦.nobody cares…

— Babloo

If life a joke then I’m waiting for the punch. You all about the beef but me, I’m bout the bun.

— Mac Miller

Our country's social revolution lends itself to jokes and I use them.

— Nipsey Russell

I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like 'Midnight in Paris.' Nostalgia isn't so enticing.

— Meshell Ndegeocello

Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.

— Stella Benson

Personally - and I don't mean to brag - my jokes have been falling flat for most of my life.

— Paul Rudd

Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die.

— Christopher Moore

I can't stand people that don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' Their so stupid...

— Anonymous

If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century.

— Barry Humphries

Don't make a film if it can't be the film you want to make. It's a joke, and a sick joke, and…

— David Lynch

Who run the world girls, who run the girls boys, who fuck the girls boys boys :p

— Horla

I drove my expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

— Nikhil Saluja

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

— Steven Wright

I like to joke that Inhofe is as far left as I'll go for an employer.

— Marc Morano

All his leisure clothes were absurd - jokes, really - as though leisure itself had to be ridiculed.

— Edmund White

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

— Jack Benny

I named my first born child after my mother-in-law. In fact, lazy fat ass bitch turns 5 tomorrow.

— Nikhil Saluja