I had a lot of bad jobs but the one big internship I had is I interned for 'SNL' when I was… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news. Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My mom was a little weird. When I was little she would make chocolate frosting. And she'd let me lick the beaters.… — Marty Cohen Copy Share Image
Facebook should have some kind of limit on the number of times that people can change their relationship statuses. After five or… — Ryan Swain Copy Share Image
Humor [in a scene] is not jokes. It is that attitude toward being alive without which you would long ago have jumped… — Michael Shurtleff Copy Share Image
I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
I certainly know all about the Jersey jokes that amuse the rest of the country. You've probably heard them. Our state bird… — Sharon Kay Penman Copy Share Image
I'm not sure how anyone with a soul can make jokes about the passing of one of the most talented artists this… — Samantha Ronson Copy Share Image
I think we're the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It's not… — Rainn Wilson Copy Share Image
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
We all joke about Congress but we can't improve on them. Have you noticed that no matter who we elect, he is… — Will Rogers Copy Share Image
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Great use they have, when in the hands Of one like me, who understands, Who understands the time and place, The person,… — Charles Churchill Copy Share Image
Maybe it's because I have too much pride or self-respect, but I thought, `Why does a guy who has thinning hair and… — Paul Giamatti Copy Share Image
Humor is so culturally based that when I try to tell a joke as me being a white American, if I tell… — Michael Emerson Copy Share Image
I think that the theory of evolution is the most unscientific, faith-based, fundamentally brainless idea that ever had the misfortune to come… — Ray Comfort Copy Share Image
People make jokes about how black people are the first ones to be killed off. — Sanaa Lathan Copy Share Image
When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you… — Iliza Shlesinger Copy Share Image
Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I… — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
Donald Trump was seen for quite a long time as a punchline, the jokes about the excesses and the failures of the… — Timothy L. O'Brien Copy Share Image
Completely committed to adapting 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. This is not a joke. Christian Grey and Ana: potentially great cinematic characters. — Bret Easton Ellis Copy Share Image
The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A,… — Brad Williams Copy Share Image
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