Roses are red violets are blue if your parents said that you are beautiful they're lying you. — Gothsynster Copy Share Image
Jon's mother had three kids named Penny, Nickel and __????__. You'll be amazed how many people get this wrong. — Justin Mccloskey Copy Share Image
Black and Mexican jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I am a kind of joke, but the question is: which kind? My job is to keep everyone guessing.” — Gary Shteyngart Copy Share Image
For all my haters, I just want you to know that there's no medicine for insecurities so better commit suicide! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If I can't joke about imminent death, then I might as well just resign. — James A. Owen Copy Share Image
I love belts. My husband always jokes with me, because he always calls me out on my belts, he's always like, "Just… — Olivia Palermo Copy Share Image
You know what? I never really factor Hollywood into anything. I'm a black actor, so I can't really control what Hollywood thinks.… — Jamie Foxx Copy Share Image
You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another… — Pat Paulsen Copy Share Image
All of my jokes were about not being able to meet anybody. I didn't have any insight into anything - even my… — Judd Apatow Copy Share Image
Comedy has always been important in my family. If you got in a good joke at the dinner table, it meant more… — Isla Fisher Copy Share Image
All great humorists are sad... I cannot help seeing beyond the tinsel of humour, and recognising the pitiful basis of jest -… — H. P. Lovecraft Copy Share Image
I just heard the latest joke about my hair: 'Do you know what that is on her head? It's a steering wheel… — Yulia Tymoshenko Copy Share Image
Character is character and voice is voice, which translates nicely from writing novels to writing TV. But the process is different. You… — Jennifer Weiner Copy Share Image
Four Married Men are at a BAR. MAN 1 : Imagine, my pregnant wife was reading a novel called ONE BROWN GAL,… — Muniir Zero Copy Share Image
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
A man was having an argument with his wife. In the heat of the argument, the wife called him a fool. The… — Horla Copy Share Image
The greatest part of each day, each year, each lifetime is made up of small, seemingly insignificant moments. Those moments may becooking… — Barbara Coloroso Copy Share Image
Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I… — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
The essence of all jokes, of all comedy, seems to be an honest or well intended halfness; a non performance of that… — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
I was in California the first time I heard Michael Jackson wanted to record with me. I was, like, 'Nah, no way,… — Heavy D Copy Share Image
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Halloween: Is one night of the year when all households save the most on their electricity bill. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I feel sorry for those who don't have a sense of humor, imagine the decades they're missing on out. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,' — Carol Leifer Copy Share Image
Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I dont make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Azgraybebly Joslan Copy Share Image
Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why. — Chris Hardwick Copy Share Image
I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes. — Paul Rudd Copy Share Image
I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens. — Rip Taylor Copy Share Image
