Jokes Quotes · Page 29

In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before.

— Frank Dane

A girl prepares your fridge football season. The woman just wants you on her tight end.

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

— Daniel Tosh

If I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in heaven now.' That's my favorite joke.

— Kurt Vonnegut

A joke without a point, inane and bald, itself a joke on joking may be called

— Menander Of Athens

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

— J. B. Smoove

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

— David Spade

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

— Jack Benny

When you have a cast and crew of people who make it light hearted and crack jokes, and break treats, and understand…

— Jill Scott

There were always jokes about Hillary Clinton channeling Eleanor Roosevelt, but Eleanor Roosevelt was really instrumental at the UN, and would want…

— Madeleine Albright

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. You see the trouble is…

— Les Dawson

I got kind of scared when I thought they wanted me to do something... I didn't want to be naked on the…

— Dolly Parton

Boy: I would do anything for you, Girl: Like what? Boy: Anything Girl: Jump off the bridge, Boy: Bye, mom is calling

— Oksana Serdyuk

The Comedy Central CDs combined with the TV specials are what led to my stuff being traded and passed around, and a…

— Mike Birbiglia

I am not so secretly a comedian. I write a lot of my own material if you've seen videos I've done. I…

— Laura Benanti

My persona is most importantly just to communicate the material in a way that is most funny and meaningful in the moment.…

— Bo Burnham

I am an artist who's just tryin' to do something different, and basically not caring about everybody's opinions and wanting to follow…

— Tyga

M.I.T.: I had a nervous breakdown this weekend. Have some fries. Caltech: I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend. Have some fries.…

— Kevin

I began writing books after speaking for several years and I realize that when you have a written book people think that…

— Brian Tracy

I would like, with the sun shining through the window on a crisp early-autumnal mid-morning, with a sufficiency of Monster Cappucino flowing…

— Robert Fripp

I don't think our lives actually unfold with morals attached to them, or meanings that are easily extracted, or jokes designed to…

— Kevin Brockmeier

It is-or seems to be-a wise sort of thing, to realise that all that happens to a man in this life is…

— Herman Melville

Raphael continued to stare at me, in no hurry to get started. "You know the best way to get rid of a…

— Alexandra Adornetto

Lisa Joy is so incredible, and she's always on set making sure everyone is okay and being respectful. We have a zero-tolerance…

— Evan Rachel Wood

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

— Ron White

It was a joke, okay? If we thought it would actually be used, we wouldn't have written it!

— Marc Andreessen

I like to respond with jokes and to keep it as light as possible.

— Margaret Cho

My dad often jokes that I enjoy attention. But then who doesn't.

— Priyamani

One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before.

— Doug Larson

Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.

— Mark Twain

I just need a search engine that'll remember exactly what I was about to Google when I forget.

— Nikhil Saluja

Boobs! living proof guys can focus on 2 things at 1 time.

— Kevin McCarty

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.

— Ray Romano

A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.

— Nikhil Saluja

Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting pussy...

— Kevin McCarty

I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes.

— P. J. O'Rourke

Running for me is a sport. It's not a joke. It's serious.

— J. R. Martinez

It would be a bitter cosmic joke if we destroy ourselves due to atrophy of the imagination.

— Martha Gellhorn

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

— Nikhil Saluja

The hardest thing about new friendships is to try to figure out the boundary for jokes

— Ritu Ghatourey