“M.I.T.: I had a nervous breakdown this weekend. Have some fries. Caltech: I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend. Have some fries. Yale: I got mugged on the way to class today. Have some fries. Brown: I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith. Cool! Me too! Have some fries. Swarthmore: I got a B. Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries. Princeton: My father took away my Porsche this weekend. Poor dear. Have some Escargot. Harvard: Did you do anything this weekend? Nope. Have some fries. Williams: Don't I know you? Of course you do, silly. Have some fries. Cornell: I killed my lab partner this weekend. Bummer. Have some fries. Columbia: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school. Me too. Let's go get shot. Penn: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school. Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia. Stanford: Dude, I have so much work this weekend. Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like,”
