Jokes Quotes · Page 27

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives a women wild? No... it's a $100 bill.

— Anonymous

My Lord told me a joke. And seeing Him laugh has done more for me than any scripture I will ever read.

— Meister Eckhart

There was laughter in the back of the theater, leading to the belief that someone was telling jokes back there.

— George S. Kaufman

Most interesting line written on the front of T-shirt of a girl, . . . . . . . Excuse me ! My face is above.;-)

— Anonymous

Ain't singing for Pepsi, ain't singing for Coke, I don't sing for nobody, makes me look like a joke.

— Neil Young

I actually like jokes as well as things that are sort of fun.

— Mitt Romney

For Joey Bishop, always was kind of the lost soul, so I did a traffic joke.

— Garry Marshall

I'm a big guy, but I don't do 'I'm so fat that... ' jokes.

— John Pinette

“Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until…

— Emo Philips

I joke around sometimes and say that the DP [director of photography] is like a shrink for the director, but there's some…

— Reed Morano

The IPCC - and all the mainstream media and environmental extremists who cite it uncritically - really have become a joke in…

— Joseph L. Bast

I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful…

— Dave Barry

It’s a basic rule of humor that a joke is always at somebody’s expense. Really good jokes, however, tend to be at…

— Richard Kalvar

If you want something to be done you got to do it for yourself is not an excuse to master bate some…

— Mathew Brakett

I still feel threatened by academics, but my books have a lot of academic in-jokes and everybody assumes I went to university…

— Jasper Fforde

I'm not a big note-taker, so I think that the way I decide is that whatever I remember I always consider something…

— Kelly Oxford

I always laugh the hardest at the stuff you see in day-to-day life. It's great when somebody can tell a joke that…

— Luke Wilson

One day a man came back early from his office. He was shocked to see his wife with another guy. He told…

— Horla

Between me and my wife, there's this joke where I'll be doing some fun interview, and I'll get off the phone and…

— John Flansburgh

I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned how to combat depression. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had…

— Bill Burr

So-called "natural language" is wonderful for the purposes it was created for, such as to be rude in, to tell jokes in,…

— Edsger Dijkstra

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell…

— Daniel Tosh

From as long as, literally as far back as I can remember I've liked puns, word jokes, I can literally recall looking…

— Tom Stoppard

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

— Will Rogers

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

— Dov Davidoff

I always thought my genitals were the result of some crude practical joke.

— Steven Morrissey

My whole family is very sarcastic and constantly making jokes.

— Emily Deschanel

“Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!”

— Terry Pratchett

Water jokes about the obstacles on its way; wise man jokes about the obstacles on his way!

— Mehmet Murat Ildan

How do people even fucking sleep with night lights? my room needs to be as dark as my soul.

— Anonymous

I consider myself a sit-down comedian really, as much as anything else. I love comedy. Life is a cosmic joke.

— Robert Wyatt

A book does not make bad jokes, drink too much or eat more than you can afford to pay for.

— Kenneth Turan

[Writing a joke] there is no team of writers. It's just you in an office, staring at yourself in the mirror.

— Jimmy Fallon

I kind of hate Halloween parties. I usually just go for the boos.

— Anonymous

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

— Bob Saget

Never get into fights with ugly people, cause no matter what u already won...

— Kevin Mccarty

When I write, I create really absurd situations which become false because I am after the joke.

— Sally Phillips

Everything is real but we write the jokes too and improvise them.

— Sal Vulcano

I will kill you with all my hopes and regret... just kidding :3

— Ramandeep Singh