Jokes Quotes · Page 28

I think jokes can actually go to places that drama can't.

— Robert Webb

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition.

— Hussein Nishah

Life Insurance: A contract that leaves you poor while you live so you can die rich.

— Nikhil Saluja

I have a great idea. Lets make a show and kill off all the main Characters.. The FOLLOWING

— Kevin McCarty

We have to joke about it because the alternative is to be scared

— Suzanne Collins

If you can make it sound exciting with a joke drum machine, you know you've got something.

— Jeff Beck

Conference: One man's confusion multiplied by the number of people there.

— Nikhil Saluja

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

— Anonymous

We all joke about Congress but we can't improve on them. Have you noticed that no matter who we elect, he is…

— Will Rogers

I like things that are immature and offbeat and bizarre. Random jokes. Weird stuff. And stupid. Stupid is the highest compliment a…

— Andy Samberg

It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than…

— Malcolm Muggeridge

Maybe it's because I have too much pride or self-respect, but I thought, 'Why does a guy who has thinning hair and…

— Paul Giamatti

Jokes are one of the things that bind the culture. If you can't have jokes about everybody in society and if one…

— Mark Steyn

Jokes about my surname aren't a big deal at all. In fact, that's what jokes are meant for - you laugh and…

— Manushi Chhillar

Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other…

— Mike Birbiglia

Every time I get happy the Nana-hex comes through. Birds turn into plumber's tools, a sonnet turns into a dirty joke, a…

— Anne Sexton

In the Senate race I went for some candidate endorsement meetings and three people there asked me: Do you go to a…

— Angela Alioto

There's that wonderful line in Measure for Measure. I forget which of the characters has committed adultery and is going to die.…

— Lore Segal

People can write jokes five minutes after a major world event happens, and have hundreds of thousands of people read them within…

— Nick Thune

I felt as if I was the brunt of some massive joke at my expense: Can you believe this loser can be…

— Kevin Bacon

If you give a little credit to the concept of the artist, I think you ought to indulge excesses a bit, because…

— Bill Watterson

Paul was dying of an un-known illness. His wife sat at the bedside comforting him. He looked up and said weakly, I…

— Unknow

I love mixing humor and terror, or humor and exhaustion, or even humor and despair. I'm dealing right now with a loved…

— Gail Simone

I sing songs from the theater and pop songs. When I say 'pop songs,' I mean from the 90's. And I tell…

— Laura Benanti

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

— Nikhil Saluja

There are just some things that I don't think jokes are good for.

— Jim Norton

Three Things to Prevent... Laziness, Falsehood and Slander.

— Nikhil Saluja

I always joke that every novel is really about the same thing: one person's struggle against society.

— Joshua Mohr

I thought everybody was in on the joke. But I was the joke.

— Billie Joe Armstrong

If you separate the whites and the colored clothes during laundry, you're a racist.

— Nikhil Saluja

My son jokes with me that he thinks I Google the word 'sad' to come up with book ideas.

— Patricia McCormick

I'm Irish, so I'm messing all the time. Which means, I'm having a laugh. I'm always making jokes.

— Saoirse Ronan

Nothing's a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.

— Lorrie Moore

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

— Felipe Esparza

I wish my wife would blow me as much as she blows little things out of proportion.

— Nikhil Saluja

I drank so much beer that I feel like I can ejaculate a unicorn in full sprint.

— Nikhil Saluja

I suppose every time [something bad happens], I have that instinct to make that joke that distracts.

— Phoebe Waller-Bridge

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

— Nikhil Saluja

This is why Jessica Biel is a successful actress: because, despite the punchlines, you know how to tell a joke.

— Raphael Bob-Waksberg

I heard NASA wanted to invade your thigh gap. There was a lot of space between them thighs

— Ramandeep Singh