Jokes Quotes · Page 28

Cal," I whisper into her sleep, "if you go, you know what? You'll break my liver." I want to pretend that it's…

— Brad Barkley

I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on…

— Drew Carey

My penis should make me breakfast on morning. It is always up before I am.

— Anonymous

I always joke around with my parents and say that if Hollywood doesn't work out I'll go to Broadway!

— Claudia Lee

For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And…

— Eugene Mirman

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you…

— Eddie Izzard

I want to be remembered for my poop jokes. Those are the most important kind.

— Eric Andre

My friend said to me, I like girl who smell good. I said to him, okay! you are not gay.

— Mahi

I'm not a comedian. I'm not a show host. I'm a musician. That's why I've turned down offers to host the Grammy…

— Michael Jackson

When I started in television, it was brand new. It was the miracle over in the corner of your room. Now the…

— Betty White

[J.F Kennedy] was a congressman and a senator and he would go on to be president. I had that idea as a…

— Mike Pence

Remember how I found you there alone in your electric chair, I told you dirty jokes until you smiled.

— Billy Joel

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's…

— Daniel Tosh

This word gets overused in describing actors but I think it applies to Mike [Tyson] in this case - he was totally…

— Ed Helms

The holy punish!

— MHDAVOODI

When two dudes fight is it called bro-ke up?

— Nikhil Saluja

I knew I just loved comedy, and I think it was my parents who initially brought up the notion of me trying…

— Seth Rogen

I'm very much of the "make it dark, make it grim, make it tough", but then, for the love of God, tell…

— Joss Whedon

A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending…

— Michael Showalter

I was saying as a joke the other day that I love film editing, I know how to cut a picture, I…

— Martin Scorsese

I always wanted to be a comedic actor - that's what I wanted from the job - to do comedy and to…

— Adam DeVine

It is important to remember when making jokes about women, that they are not a minority. They weren't captured on another continent…

— P. J. O'Rourke

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably…

— Iliza Shlesinger

If I can't joke about imminent death, then I might as well just resign.

— James A. Owen

I feel like I'm a compassionate guy, but I also feel if somebody's grip on life or sanity is so tenuous that…

— Dan Savage