Jokes Quotes · Page 26

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

— Nikhil Saluja

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.

— Myself

What did the two ghosts say to each other? Hey boo...

— Anonymous

The world would never find peace until men fell at their women's feet and asked for forgiveness.

— Anonymous

I'll joke all day, but once I get in the gym, I'm going to work hard.

— Dwight Howard

Life is very hard right? Nope it isn't just you are suck.

— Erdem Gezer

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

— Scott Adams

A lot of people who look at my photographs think it is an easy joke, but it does take a bit of…

— Alison Jackson

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

— Nikhil Saluja

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

— Harry Hill

There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.

— Michael Scott

Most of my favorite tweets go completely ignored but most of my favorite tweets are probably really lame or inside jokes between…

— Roxane Gay

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey,…

— Mitch Hedberg

What is the best sexual position to create a gorgeous, charming absolutely attractive and cute baby?… Ask my parents!

— Anonymous

All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from…

— Alan Moore

Lying contains the same hostile elements as a practical joke in that the 'victim' ends up looking foolish in his own eyes…

— Sue Grafton

I really get a little bit confused by all this "angry angry angry" talk when all I do is tell jokes and…

— Aaron McGruder

Zen people love Buddha so tremendously that they can even play jokes upon him. It is out of great love; they are…

— Rajneesh

I'd worked with Marlon [Brando] a couple of times, and he was a practical joker. He was far more interested in getting…

— Johnny Depp

The two-party system is a bad joke on the American people; when it comes to Republicans and Democrats remember they are two…

— Aaron Russo

The parents are the issue, because it's not the kids' fault. They're the ones on the playground getting the s - and…

— Gordon Ramsay

Writing a first draft is like groping one's way into a dark room, or overhearing a faint conversation, or telling a joke…

— Ted Solotaroff

The old idea that the joke was not good enough for the company has been superseded by the new aristocratic idea that…

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

Jessica Biel is a really interesting case. She actually called us after the table read and said, "You guys should go meaner."…

— Raphael Bob-Waksberg

For my job, I act tough. I'm not tough. On the street, I don't go out beating people up and this and…

— Mr. T

Everybody is waiting for the end to come, but what if it already passed us by? What if the final joke of…

— Jonathan Nolan

Most people who seek attention and regard by announcing that they're writing a novel are actually so devoid of narrative talent that…

— Paul Fussell

I like questions that tee me up to make weird jokes, frankly.

— Colson Whitehead

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.

— Joan Rivers

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

— Daniel Tosh

English had hit upon a splendid joke. The intended to catch me or to bring me down.

— Manfred von Richthofen

I can't imagine saying the same joke for three hours. I don't know how that would work.

— Daniela Bobadilla

Never trust an Italian who don't like pasta as his breakfast.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I was a child, if someone had talked to me about buying water, I would have thought it was a joke.

— Assata Shakur

Teacher: What tense is I am beautiful in? Student: Its surely the past tense.

— Curly

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions

— Criss Jami

Even if it's a white crowd, I tell my jokes for the four black people in the room, not the 100 whites.

— Gary Owen

I wonder what Soulja Boy ate for breakfast today...YOOOOUUUUUUUUU , Soulja Boy is a cannibal.

— Ramandeep Singh

Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.

— Jay Leno

But today, I feel the genuine warmth, the affection, and although I may joke about it, I am touched.

— Perry Como