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Felipe Esparza

40 quotes in 254 categories

[Wikipedia] Felipe de Jesus Esparza is a Mexican-born American stand-up comedian and actor. He began performing stand-up in 1994. He won Last Comic Standing in 2010. Felipe is currently on tour for his comedy show, "At My Leisure". In addition, Felipe hosts a weekly popular YouTube podcast named "What's up Fool

Quotes by Felipe Esparza

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So…

Alcoholics

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I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

Car

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Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

Latino

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You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can.…

Back home

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I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

Baby

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The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and…

Car

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I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take…

Baby

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I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

French movies

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Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

Bowls

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I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

Being the best

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While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

Dad

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Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better…

Audience

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I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over…

Albums

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Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

Latino

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A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

Dead man

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You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

Getting old

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I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

Getting old

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We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

America

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I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

Bully

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Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

Contact

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Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an…

Ambush

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I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

Comedian

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I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to…

Child support

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I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

Comedian

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I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I…

Born

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