Felipe Esparza

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

— Felipe Esparza

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

— Felipe Esparza

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

— Felipe Esparza

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

— Felipe Esparza

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

— Felipe Esparza

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

— Felipe Esparza

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

— Felipe Esparza

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

— Felipe Esparza

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

— Felipe Esparza

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better…

— Felipe Esparza

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

— Felipe Esparza

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

— Felipe Esparza

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

— Felipe Esparza

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an…

— Felipe Esparza

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can.…

— Felipe Esparza

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and…

— Felipe Esparza

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So…

— Felipe Esparza

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over…

— Felipe Esparza

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

— Felipe Esparza

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

— Felipe Esparza

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

— Felipe Esparza

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take…

— Felipe Esparza

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

— Felipe Esparza

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

— Felipe Esparza

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

— Felipe Esparza

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

— Felipe Esparza

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

— Felipe Esparza

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

— Felipe Esparza

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

— Felipe Esparza

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your…

— Felipe Esparza

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to…

— Felipe Esparza

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over…

— Felipe Esparza

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans…

— Felipe Esparza

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because…

— Felipe Esparza

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

— Felipe Esparza

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects…

— Felipe Esparza

I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I…

— Felipe Esparza

I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something…

— Felipe Esparza

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with…

— Felipe Esparza

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech…

— Felipe Esparza