Dov Davidoff

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

— Dov Davidoff

Comedy is rarely funny.

— Dov Davidoff

The man I want to be could easily beat me up.

— Dov Davidoff

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

— Dov Davidoff

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

— Dov Davidoff

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

— Dov Davidoff

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

— Dov Davidoff

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

— Dov Davidoff

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

— Dov Davidoff

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

— Dov Davidoff

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high…

— Dov Davidoff

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more…

— Dov Davidoff

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

— Dov Davidoff

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

— Dov Davidoff

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

— Dov Davidoff

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving…

— Dov Davidoff

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self…

— Dov Davidoff

You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their…

— Dov Davidoff

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you…

— Dov Davidoff

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't…

— Dov Davidoff

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

— Dov Davidoff

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

— Dov Davidoff

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

— Dov Davidoff

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

— Dov Davidoff

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

— Dov Davidoff

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

— Dov Davidoff

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

— Dov Davidoff

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

— Dov Davidoff

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

— Dov Davidoff

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

— Dov Davidoff

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

— Dov Davidoff

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

— Dov Davidoff

Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

— Dov Davidoff

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

— Dov Davidoff

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

— Dov Davidoff

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

— Dov Davidoff

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

— Dov Davidoff

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

— Dov Davidoff