If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
