Dov Davidoff

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

— Dov Davidoff

Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.

— Dov Davidoff

If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

— Dov Davidoff

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

— Dov Davidoff

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

— Dov Davidoff

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

— Dov Davidoff

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

— Dov Davidoff

Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.

— Dov Davidoff

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

— Dov Davidoff

When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

— Dov Davidoff

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

— Dov Davidoff

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I…

— Dov Davidoff

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

— Dov Davidoff

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so…

— Dov Davidoff

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

— Dov Davidoff

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

— Dov Davidoff

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

— Dov Davidoff

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

— Dov Davidoff

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

— Dov Davidoff

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

— Dov Davidoff

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

— Dov Davidoff

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

— Dov Davidoff

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

— Dov Davidoff

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

— Dov Davidoff

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

— Dov Davidoff

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

— Dov Davidoff

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

— Dov Davidoff

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

— Dov Davidoff

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

— Dov Davidoff

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

— Dov Davidoff

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

— Dov Davidoff

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

— Dov Davidoff

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.

— Dov Davidoff

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

— Dov Davidoff

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

— Dov Davidoff

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

— Dov Davidoff

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

— Dov Davidoff

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

— Dov Davidoff