All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully. — Dov Davidoff Deliver Copy Share Image
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen. — Dov Davidoff Beats Copy Share Image
Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to. — Dov Davidoff Another way Copy Share Image
Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet. — Dov Davidoff Bigs Copy Share Image
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having. — Dov Davidoff Amount Copy Share Image
The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face. — Dov Davidoff Actors Copy Share Image
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more… — Dov Davidoff Angry Copy Share Image
I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots. — Dov Davidoff Acting Copy Share Image
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush. — Dov Davidoff Bathroom Copy Share Image
Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift? — Dov Davidoff Adopted Copy Share Image
People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect… — Dov Davidoff Behave Copy Share Image
Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland… — Dov Davidoff Animal Copy Share Image
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it. — Dov Davidoff Expensive Copy Share Image
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary. — Dov Davidoff Cases Copy Share Image
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange… — Dov Davidoff Acronyms Copy Share Image
If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person. — Dov Davidoff Felt Copy Share Image
I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs. — Dov Davidoff Emotional Copy Share Image
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie. — Dov Davidoff Apple pie Copy Share Image
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with… — Dov Davidoff Comedy Copy Share Image
Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as… — Dov Davidoff Asks Copy Share Image
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want. — Dov Davidoff America Copy Share Image
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one. — Dov Davidoff Busy Copy Share Image
I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure. — Dov Davidoff Failure Copy Share Image
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to… — Dov Davidoff Ifs Copy Share Image
America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself. — Dov Davidoff America Copy Share Image
Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with… — Dov Davidoff Baby Copy Share Image
Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great. — Dov Davidoff Iphone Copy Share Image
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more? — Dov Davidoff Instruments Copy Share Image
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but… — Dov Davidoff Different Copy Share Image
Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death. — Dov Davidoff Comedy Copy Share Image
Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess. — Dov Davidoff Girlfriend Copy Share Image
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity. — Dov Davidoff Care Copy Share Image
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage. — Dov Davidoff Depressed Copy Share Image
The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness. — Dov Davidoff Expectation Copy Share Image
America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan. — Dov Davidoff America Copy Share Image
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one. — Dov Davidoff Class Copy Share Image
You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding. — Dov Davidoff Anger Copy Share Image
The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint. — Dov Davidoff Disappoint Copy Share Image
If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances. — Dov Davidoff Chance Copy Share Image
