Dov Davidoff

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

— Dov Davidoff

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

— Dov Davidoff

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

— Dov Davidoff

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

— Dov Davidoff

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in…

— Dov Davidoff

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

— Dov Davidoff

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a…

— Dov Davidoff

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

— Dov Davidoff

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

— Dov Davidoff

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't…

— Dov Davidoff

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

— Dov Davidoff

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

— Dov Davidoff

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

— Dov Davidoff

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

— Dov Davidoff

People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

— Dov Davidoff

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

— Dov Davidoff

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

— Dov Davidoff

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

— Dov Davidoff

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

— Dov Davidoff

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

— Dov Davidoff

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

— Dov Davidoff

Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.

— Dov Davidoff

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

— Dov Davidoff

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

— Dov Davidoff

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

— Dov Davidoff

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

— Dov Davidoff

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

— Dov Davidoff

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

— Dov Davidoff

Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

— Dov Davidoff

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

— Dov Davidoff

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

— Dov Davidoff

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

— Dov Davidoff

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

— Dov Davidoff

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

— Dov Davidoff

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

— Dov Davidoff

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

— Dov Davidoff

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

— Dov Davidoff

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

— Dov Davidoff