Jokes Quotes · Page 38

I took a lie dectector test today, actually I didnt really that was a lie.

— Ramandeep Singh

I learned how to make jokes because I wanted to give people as much fun as they did, and I guess I…

— Kurt Vonnegut

Why do we press harder on the remote when the batteries are dead ?

— Anonymous

The real reason women live longer than men bcoz they dont have to live with women.

— Anonymous

Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top, they become asses.

— Anonymous

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

— Alan Moore

Working at the magic shop really gave me a sense of comedy because it was all jokes.

— Steve Martin

I'm the only man who has a marriage license made out To Whom It My Concern .

— Nikhil Saluja

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's…

— Daniel Tosh

Leo: "So...giants who can throw mountains. Friendly wolves that will eat us if we show weakness. Evil espresso drinks. Gotcha. Maybe this…

— Rick Riordan

The Mexican...is familiar with death. [He] jokes about it, caresses it, sleeps with it, celebrates it. It is one of his favorite…

— Octavio Paz

My comedy is my life turned into jokes. I think a lot of people wouldn't like that because you end up talking…

— Frank Skinner

The moment I do any puppy dog acting, I think the joke is dead. It's in the truth of how I play…

— Jason Gann

I personally don't feel any pressure to make jokes about multiple baby-fathers and stereotypical black jokes, because one, that's just not my…

— Issa Rae

For generations comedians have made jokes about Scots-Irish in the South inter-breeding. "I am my own grandpa" and all that stuff; you…

— Ishmael Reed

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my…

— Zach Galifianakis

I try to play the stiff, as much as I can, and play it dry, which is sometimes hard for me. My…

— John Cho

I never really feel like just standing there and telling jokes. I want to move around. In fact, it's hard for me…

— Chris D'Elia

God is always joking. Look at your own life - it is a joke! Look at other people's lives, and you will…

— Rajneesh

You don't need any courage today in Germany to make a movie about the Nazi time. You get all the subsidies, you…

— Uwe Boll

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went…

— Rodney Dangerfield

If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be…

— Michael J. Fox

If God gives you (or makes you) a joke, what are you meant to do in response? (Receive it. Laugh.) If God…

— N.D. Wilson

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

6 am: tired 9 am: tired 11 am: tired 3 pm: tired 5 pm: tired 7 pm: tired 9 pm: tired bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY

— Kevin McCarty

I want to be remembered for my poop jokes. Those are the most important kind.

— Eric Andre

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

— Tim Vine

With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!

— Nikhil Saluja

I went to see my doctor with a nasty pain in the ass. Turns out he's already met my wife.

— Nikhil Saluja

Why is it called chicken fingers if chickens don't have fingers ?

— Anonymous

I've been banging my head against this wall for hours trying to figure out where all this blood is coming from!

— Nikhil Saluja

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

— Mitch Hedberg

It's only happy hour if a hot girl is sharing your drinks. Otherwise it's just drowning your misery.

— Nikhil Saluja

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, Wait, you forgot the remote!

— Anonymous

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

— Zach Galifianakis

Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.

— Bill Burr

I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

— Nikhil Saluja

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.

— Chinese Proverbs

Anything traumatic in my life I've always dealt with through jokes and comedy.

— Paul Rudd