Jokes Quotes · Page 40

Politician: Whoever shakes your hand before elections and your wallet after elections.

— Nikhil Saluja

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

— Nikhil Saluja

Fate seemed to be playing a series of extraordinarily unamusing jokes.

— George Orwell

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: Gently aging, but still a warmand desirable place to visit.

— Nikhil Saluja

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

— Joan Rivers

I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage.

— Kathleen Madigan

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

— Henny Youngman

When a woman agrees to give her husband head for no reason --- there is a reason.

— Nikhil Saluja

I want every idea I have to make me money. I want every post I write to have 10,000 Facebook likes. I…

— James Altucher

You start out wanting to change the world through language, and end up thinking it's enough to tell a few good jokes.

— David Nicholls

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

— David Letterman

There are things that I won't joke about, but it's not because I don't think they're funny or they can't be made…

— Brad Williams

I reserve the right to tell shaggy dog stories or even common jokes as part of what I'm doing. I don't give…

— David Antin

My parents are really funny. Laughter was a big part of my childhood. Of course, they tell a lot of bad jokes…

— Cecily Strong

Writing books is fun because after I do a show for a couple hours, I'm in a bus for 22 hours. It's…

— Willie Nelson

I take a lot of pride in managing to be funny without having a victim at the end of my joke. I…

— Ross Mathews

One of the interesting things about Twitter is looking how famous people choose to use it. Take someone like Steve Martin, who…

— Rob Lowe

As a child of the 1970s, I couldn't hold a narrative in my head; I was lucky if I could hold a…

— Chuck Palahniuk

I said it, just like that. No stupid jokes, no changing the subject. For once, I wasn't embarrassed, because it was the…

— Kami Garcia

I really like the animated film process. It's kind of like doing a play, because you can experiment with it, rewrite it,…

— Steve Martin

“Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn't been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn't figured out why a strong,…

— Rose Wynters

So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is…

— Aziz Ansari

Worship isn't destructive, Martin. I know that. I don't. I only know it's the core of his life. What else has he…

— Peter Shaffer

In order to surprise her husband, the wife of a company executive decided to stop by her husband's office. On entering the…

— Horla

Thou can'st not joke an enemy into a friend, but thou may'st a friend into an enemy.

— Benjamin Franklin

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

— Jimmy Carr

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? 'Cause she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

— Anonymous

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

— Nikhil Saluja

A comedian is someone who tells the truth. Truth is the set of all jokes told by all comedians in the world.

— Piero Scaruffi

If I'm laughing, you know I'm either very happy or very sad. I cope with things with jokes.

— Cristela Alonzo

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

— Monica Piper

The roses have wilted, The violets are dead, Sugar is lumpy And so is your head.

— Anonymous

Don't Take It Seriously * When the INTERIOR DECORATOR says, Once it's in, you'll love it

— Nikhil Saluja

I've been invited to a Halloween party tonight in America. To scare all the Yanks, I'm going as low-fat food!

— Anonymous

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

— Anonymous

I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.

— Dolly Parton

Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office.

— Abraham Lincoln

I wish my monkey was a drug dealer like in The Hangover Part II.

— Jeremy Limn

If I don't know what true love is, how will I ever find it?

— Nikhil Saluja

I can never tell a joke, I've always found it easier to just fall over.

— Norman Wisdom