Jokes Quotes · Page 41

Instagram and nightclubs are where ugly people go to trick people into thinking they're hot.

— Nikhil Saluja

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.

— Allan Sloan

That sun is lookin' good... and hot! Get it? Hilarious! My joke writers are awesome.

— Tom Bergeron

Art should be serious, not a joke. I dont like to laugh about art.

— Gerhard Richter

I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

— Anonymous

Three women walk into a pub and say, 'Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

— Bill Bailey

“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

— Roseanne Barr

Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

— Conan O'Brien

One of the standing jokes of Congress is that the new Congressman always spends the first week wondering how he got there…

— Anonymous

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at…

— Daniel Tosh

I don't really tell a joke, I react to situations. The whole thing is just looking at somebody and showing all our…

— Don Rickles

I don't really consider myself to be a comedian. I mean, it's not like I'm sitting around writing jokes or anything. I…

— Amy Sedaris

Dear Human; You Get Angry At Me, If I wake you up... You Also Get Angry, If I don't..!! What The Hell…

— Pacifiersucker

I'm here to make people laugh and help them forget their troubles, too! So I just try to bring heart and bring…

— Matthew Moy

Some of our jokes we made up on the fly. I love Lecrae; we have been friends for a while and he…

— Bart Millard

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to…

— Steven Wright

I kind of joke with myself that you shouldn't be able to be a creative producer if you weren't a first AD.…

— Bruce Cohen

Occasionally you get that one person that says "I really like that one part of this joke" and you go, "Oh thank…

— John Mulaney

It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must…

— Robert Orben

[J.F Kennedy] was a congressman and a senator and he would go on to be president. I had that idea as a…

— Mike Pence

Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would…

— Jim Gaffigan

Celebrating the holidays in the White House over these past eight years has been a true privilege. We've been able to welcome…

— Michelle Obama

The joke of it all is that you are looking from your true nature right now without knowing it. If you would…

— Adyashanti

He who jokes in the executioners face can be destroyed, but never defeated.

— Tom Robbins

If I could email my jokes to the crowd and get the same immediate response [as during stand-up], I'd do that.

— W. Kamau Bell

I did in the bed. I did it on the couch. I did it in the car. Texting is such an obsession.

— Anonymous

It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.

— Sarah Silverman

People don't buy a new detergent because the manufacturer told a joke on television last night.

— David Ogilvy

Sometimes I'll see a girl jogging that's so sexy, I'll jog directly behind her ass until she gets home.

— Nikhil Saluja

Televison allows thousands of people to laugh at the same joke and still remain alone.

— Bertrand Russell

There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on jokes.

— Anonymous

Want to hear the joke about the vacuum? Nevermind...It sucks.

— Anonymous

Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake...After three days of pain and agony…the rattle snake died.

— Anonymous

a short cut to matrimonial unhappiness is not to have the same taste in jokes!

— Margaret Deland

“How do jokes work? The beginning of each good one challenges you to think.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

I did see the Soul Train picture. That was interesting. I've heard all the jokes. I had it coming.

— Mike Tomlin

“Jokes are powerful like that, they can be both inclusive and exclusive. Can create both an Us and a Them.”

— Fredrik Backman

I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.

— Sam Kinison

The shouting and opinion and jokes don't exist if there isn't first a story.

— Jim Lehrer