Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
