“You can believe history books when they tell you when wars were fought. You just can’t trust them as to why.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are certain books in the history of the world that should never have been written. This book makes all those look… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I give you an historical reference, am I dating myself? No, because the only way I could date myself is if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His last name was Gum, and I wanted to chew him out. But I’ll save that for the Federal Reserve, who are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to cook with, as a thickening agent in gravy. But as history proves, the thickest agents work… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have the worst kind of history—a non history. I wasn’t born poor, oppressed, rich, famous, or any other such extreme. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t do it in 1066. But I’m only not guilty because I wasn’t quite alive then. The ferocity of the Normans… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Make yourself interesting to history. Master some aspect of life, and then find a different area and do something crazy. Become a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A great gift would be a cheap pen, mounted on a wooden plaque, with the accompanying label that reads, “This is the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
