“I have a secret handshake, like the Masons. Except mine is like a true secret in that nobody else knows about it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the open, empty palm. You may call it ingratitude, bearing no gifts, but I call it half of a handshake.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Call me paranoid, but the shape the human hand makes when extending out for a handshake looks suspiciously like a karate chop.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An empty handshake, devoid of cash, is like a high-five, minus ten. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
