Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The time that Ted and I spend talking about our careers is almost infinitesimally small. We mostly talk about our kids and… — Mary Steenburgen Copy Share Image
It's funny how people have a good thang, throw it away and then get sick wen someone else picks it up..One man's… — Ms Kee Copy Share Image
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me. — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
You Know What I Hate About myself? I Really Don't Care What people Think about me. but everyone says its a good… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I’m not going anywhere until you hear me out.” Oh, please no. Anything except having to listen to her lecture. I push… — Simone Elkeles Copy Share Image
We have home videos that are really great tape on my parents being hysterical. So I think I always knew that my… — Briga Heelan Copy Share Image
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The animals of a jungle have decided to hold a meeting. The lion has come, the tiger has come, the elephant has… — A Josland Copy Share Image
“You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me. "I used your toothbrush." His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh… — E.L. James Copy Share Image
In a Ghetto HouseHold EVERYBODY has a nick name. Tell POOKIE to tell MAN MAN to get PEANUT and stop by COOKIES… — Christian Heggs Copy Share Image
“Agatha: "If you say anything smug or stuck-up or shallow, I'll have Reaper follow you home." Sophie: "But then I can't talk!” — Soman Chainani Copy Share Image
It's funny - the reason I started doing a podcast was because every time I was on someone else's podcast, I would… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them. — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years… — David Bowie Copy Share Image
I refuse to endure months of expensive humiliation only to be told that at the age of four I was in love… — Noel Coward Copy Share Image
“This is Tez Jones,” I said. “He’s a police detective from Tampa.” “Oh, my,” said Martha, blinking up at him. “Is something… — Michele Bardsley Copy Share Image
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
DIRTY FIGHTER! all the kids hollered. I stop punching and looked up,mystified. Down on the island,this was the way we'd always fought. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I like to live every day like it's my last." Shallan nodded. "And by that I mean lying in a puddle of… — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
“Bibi: Mi papá me dijo que esta vez no me va a apoyar con David Hasselhoff porque me estoy haciendo daño y… — Mario Cantú Toscano Copy Share Image
Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Die, search for meaning, search for meaning, search for meaning. — Douglas Horton Copy Share Image
My dad was a really funny, really talented guy who had a great success in a limited audience. But from him, I… — Joel Grey Copy Share Image
People of my generation in Portugal fell into the magic potion of political ideas. What was very funny about this revolution was… — Maria de Medeiros Copy Share Image
I am worth loving. I do not have to earn love. I am lovable because I exist. Others reflect the love I… — Louise Hay Copy Share Image
“Rayna found a makeover show on TV-one of those where they sneak up on unsuspecting people going about their business, accost them… — Hilary Duff Copy Share Image
“Don't you even watch gay porn?" It was Ryan's turn to blush. "Not really. Sometimes. Not very often, though." "Why not?" He… — Anna Martin Copy Share Image
“He's wearing my favourite shirt – otherwise known as The Sexiest Shirt Known to Man, an item of clothing that emphasises every… — Jane Costello Copy Share Image
After 15 years of marriage a wife asked her husband to describe her. The husband looked at her and then said :… — Mike Peters Copy Share Image
Everyone, My hair is better then fucking anyones! My hair is the reason we started the band, cause I couldnt sing, and… — Oliver Sykes Copy Share Image
My father was a very funny man, and one of my strongest recollections is hearing him laugh. He didn't like people who… — Mike Myers Copy Share Image
-Boys that have bad breath. Boys that smell like BO. Boys that write on thier arms/clothes.Boys that smoke. Boys that thinkits cool… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I get asked, 'Who would you really like to work with?' I'm already working with them. Smart, talented, funny people, good musicians,… — Christopher Guest Copy Share Image
Four Married Men are at a BAR. MAN 1 : Imagine, my pregnant wife was reading a novel called ONE BROWN GAL,… — Muniir Zero Copy Share Image
“Let her go in with him." (...) "Actually, I feel quite endangered by her presence. Dont you, Lila?" "Absolutely," said Lila. "She… — Kylie Scott Copy Share Image
What's wrong vs Right with you It's not a question of what's wrong with you, it's a question of what's right with… — Al Duncan Copy Share Image
El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief -… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I think a lot of comedic actors, on their close-up they can deliver. But when it comes to reacting to other people… — Ken Jeong Copy Share Image
When you get the result of your exam and find out you failed your so Upset…But when you find out that your… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
