Funny Quotes · Page 54

There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

— Voltaire

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

— Robert Benchley

You're 14 and half naked in your profile picture? Congratulations í. Your parents must be proud.

— Anonymous

To me, love has always meant friendship.

— Jean Harlow

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

— Oscar Wilde

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

— Dave Attell

Do not live in the future, only the present is real

— B.K.S. Iyengar

I actually think love changes everything. I think it's the only thing worth having.

— David Hare

Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.

— Tom Lehrer

I think people are naturally funny.

— Ruth Jones

Everybody can tell you how to do it but they never done it

— Jay-Z

Just remember if we get caught your def and I dont speak english

— Unknow

If you have to do something, write me a funny AIDS play. Sure you can. It's the biggest joke played on us…

— Robert Patrick

Science reveals that all life on Earth is one.

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

I can conduct better than I count.

— Eugene Ormandy

More wealth doesn't fix your life. More wealth makes you more of what you already are.

— Dave Ramsey

Don’t try to be anybody else because that’s what makes you not swaggy.

— Justin Bieber

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's…

— Dylan Moran

“Being good has nothing to do with being a Boy !!. Better is the latter!”

— Nelson Jack

“She stretched, pulling out her earbuds, which apparently in Lykae was code for 'Interogate me,' because the questions, they came a-calling.”

— Kresley Cole

It is only love which makes us acceptable to God.

— Therese of Lisieux

You defeat defeatism with confidence.

— Vince Lombardi

I was that drunk bro you saw my dog & yelled TEAM JACOB!

— Anonymous

At some point after sex, we really need to determine whose fault this was.

— Anonymous

I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

— Anonymous

If you ever see me drinking a Bud Lite Lime, I have been kidnapped and am trying to signal you.

— Anonymous

It's so dense, every single image has so many things going on...

— Rick McCallum

Pray like it all depends on God, Work like it all depends on you..!

— Nikhil Saluja

“Lunch started off tense after our heated moment. Thank goodness for Blake. Kai was warm toward him, reserving his coolness for me.…

— Sweet Peril Wendy Higgins

When I play a game, I want to play, not necessarily laugh. If you try to make me laugh at the expense…

— Doug TenNapel

As long as it's funny, there's no such thing as too far.

— Lucy Punch

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

— Craig Ferguson

I wasn't particularly funny in high school, but I grew up with three older brothers who were quite funny.

— Ryan Stiles

Yo its funny how all the chickens be always servin us. All up in between they ass where they wanna carry us.

— Busta Rhymes

Sever the edge between before and after.

— Takuan Soho

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

— Jim Gaffigan

With will one can do anything.

— Samuel Smiles

1,2 the stalker is coming for you. 3,4 better block that whore. 5,6 she's a creeping bitch. 7,8 ain't sure if she straight. 9,10 she's stalking again.

— Brii Ann

What better way to recover from your exhausting workout session than to skip it and nap instead.

— Green Monk

ABCDEFG Gummy Bears are chasing me 1 is red 1 is blue 1 is trying to steal my shoe Now I'm running…

— Brookie