Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
What is it with people nowadays, you claim you want something real' when it's staring at your face. — Ash Sweeney Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Homework: do me, do me, do me, do me, do me Internet: dont listen to that slut — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think that because I struggled and did get very bullied, that definitely made me learn how to be funny and let… — Jonathan Van Ness Copy Share Image
Never KISS a lady police, She will say, hands up. Never KISS a lady doctor, She will say, Next please Always KISS… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The best feature of iPhone 6 is that if you hold it upside down it becomes iPhone 9. — Sadie Copy Share Image
“What's the weirdest thing you've pierced?" "Earlobes," he plainly stated. "Earlobes?" "Yeah," he said. "Once you've held a couple dozen penises in… — Sean Aiken Copy Share Image
Comedians have to challenge the power. Comedians should be dangerous and devastating - and funny. That's the hardest part. — Mort Sahl Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you can't understand what someone has said even though they have repeated it four times — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Step one: Invade your opponet's mind. This is just like using mind-speak. Try it on me." "That's easy," I said, casting my… — Becca Fitzpatrick Copy Share Image
Life is funny, and a lot of times, the people that I've met have really gone past anything that I've ever dreamed… — BeBe Winans Copy Share Image
