That awkward moment when someone asks if your hair is wet, but its just that dirty. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Listen, I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard? — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
Relationships are beautiful...hard as a mofo, but beautiful nonetheless. — Christel Tait Copy Share Image
I love rom-coms. Any will do. Films such as 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days' or 'Funny Face' with Audrey Hepburn. — Estelle Copy Share Image
All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
My routine isn't so much dreaming up the comedy as just seeing what happens to me. I seem to be leading a… — John Pinette Copy Share Image
I'm not old, I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck... Everything made the same… — Bernajoy Vaal Copy Share Image
“That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
Yesterday I decided it would be funny to cut in to a box of Christmas crackers and take out all the original… — Ryan Swain Copy Share Image
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I think it's so funny because straight people just don't think about gender in their songs, or making a statement by talking… — King Princess Copy Share Image
At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
