Funny Quotes · Page 167

I was shipwrecked before I got aboard.

— Seneca the Younger

I was an only child, eventually.

— Steven Wright

“Wise is the fool who becomes a master at laughter.”

— Curtis Tyrone Jones

Death isn't the end, it's the beginning.

— Jennifer Love Hewitt

Napoleon is dead - but Beethoven lives.

— Bruno Walter

I trust no one who hasn’t time for music.

— Jack White

How about you Harlem Shake off a cliff already?

— Music_lover

As you are, you see everything else.

— Swami Satchidananda

“No really, I'm a werewolf and you're a human, which essentially translates into a steak with legs.”

— Quinn Loftis

[when I'm not working I like to] listen to music, watch something really funny like South Park.

— Queen Latifah

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't want to be better than you or her or him - I want to be better than I am right…

— Kerri Walsh

Maybe a romantic getaway will solve your crippling fear of intimacy.

— Anonymous

The essence of that which is like unto itself, is drawn.

— Esther Hicks

I always like to watch comics and it's interesting that you can tell if someone's funny in 10 seconds.

— Christopher Walken

Each time that you don't know you are choosing, then of those choices you are not the chooser.

— Guy Finley

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an…

— Jeff Ross

One night I went to this comedy club and paid a hard-earned $5 to get in, and every comic that came up…

— Eddie Griffin

“Author Dating Rule #3: Edit your online dating profile. Pervs are the million pennies lying in a vat of ten nickels.”

— C.L. Matthews

I don't have a past. I have a continuous present. The past is part of the present, just as the future is.…

— George Balanchine

I'm not a big prank guy, because I don't like them done to me. I've been on movies sets where one guys…

— Terry Crews

It's funny what actors take issue with. Some won't do parts where animals are in jeopardy; some won't ever play anyone remotely…

— Rob Lowe

The best criticism is the sort that tells you what you already know but had been reluctant to accuse yourself of.

— J. D. McClatchy

It's just funny because I think a long time back I was not a fan favorite at all, and now people have…

— Ben Askren

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

— Tommy Cooper

The future is as bright as the promise of God.

— William Carey

Oh, he occasionally takes an alcoholiday.

— Oscar Wilde

Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.

— Nikhil Saluja

Im not funny, I'm just mean and people think I'm joking

— Ana

I'm majoring in Trophy Wife with a minor in MILF.

— Anonymous

Depend on yourself; you won't be let down.

— Madhuri Dixit

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

— Tommy Cooper

What will be / the sacred words?

— Amiri Baraka

When youre on top, youre on top.

— Venus Williams

We don't work for each other, We work with each other.

— Stanley Gault

My whole head is like I've had a face lift.

— Robert Pattinson

Michael is Janet and Janet is Michael.

— Frank Zappa

Celebrity is just obscurity biding its time.

— Carrie Fisher

The problem is we don't understand the problem.

— Paul MacCready

Never despise meger beginings!

— Anonymous