I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
