During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles,… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
