You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't. — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it. — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid. — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Some people expect me to be funny all the time, and I'm not necessarily funny all the time. — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I really, really like 'Eastbound & Down.' It's one of the few things that makes me laugh. It's almost too funny to… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever. — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it?… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice,… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies,… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I have good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know where that's from? I heard… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for,… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold." — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!?… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
My father left Ireland because he did not want to muck horse manure for the rest of his life, and he wanted to come… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I've always had a thing for Catwoman. Michelle Pfeiffer or Halle Berry in tight leather pants, with the boots - I'm pretty good with… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I spent a long time working in the movies to figure out that kind of acting and also how to write and produce for… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I don't want to see a 'Sopranos' movie. This is just me. I like to think the end is where it was on TV… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
The best comedy audiences in the country and this is tried and true, I'm not just saying it, in my opinion are Boston, Atlanta,… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Happy Easter everyone! Jesus dies, comes back from the dead - and we get chocolate eggs. It's like turn-down service from God. — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
