“On our first date, you should wear a maternity dress, because I’m going to try to impregnate you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love tip # 29: Increase your chances of getting to second date by not having stinky garlic breath during the end of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the end of the first date, I got my courage up and I made a move. One U-Haul van and 1,500… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To not feel like such a “third wheel,” I rode my tricycle to the restaurant where they were having their first date.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An ideal first date should involve things like a candle-lit dinner, soft music, and a binary anal defibrillator, with a guest appearance… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
