“I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s furry, has four legs, and meows? My dinner, before I killed and cooked it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My date couldn’t make it to dinner, because at the last minute I backed down from asking her.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your food’s not getting cold. I’m keeping it warm in my stomach. Dinner’s on me tonight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For dinner I had seared sneer with a glaze of distant gaze, and a side of mashed pride covered in grace.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An ideal first date should involve things like a candle-lit dinner, soft music, and a binary anal defibrillator, with a guest appearance… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After dinner I told her I wouldn’t put away the plates, because I might cause an earthquake (plate tectonics).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my skin wasn’t flesh, but was tinfoil, I’d probably not only be left-handed, but I’d be a leftover. I guess the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cling to our love like saran wrap on leftovers. If you want to know when dinner will be ready, the answer… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t care that I no longer have my grandma to keep me company at the dining room table. Especially since she… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There were only two of us left for dinner, and that’s when I realized what I was: leftovers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dinner is served. It’s chicken lo mein. Oh and by the way, your cat is missing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
