“Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can play the trumpet, but only if I have a sufficient quantity of anal lube.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hate noise pollution. Get that filthy soda can out of my ear!” — Jarod Kintz Noise pollution Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to trap my love in, before it dissipates out into the world. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have no auditory depth perception. She said, “I love you,” and I couldn’t even tell if she was 300 miles away,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you say renewable, I’ll think energy. If you say fore, I’ll think play. If you say binary, I’ll think anal defibrillator.” — Jarod Kintz Climate Copy Share Image
“When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“The lights might have dimmed, but I blinked at that moment so I didn’t notice. I also didn’t notice her love, probably… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A traditional doctor gets paid to push pills, vaccinate, radiate, and basically exterminate people. No different than a contract killer—except the hit… — Jarod Kintz Doctor Copy Share Image
“I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things.… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven.… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money.… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“When I’m introduced to a woman for the first time, I always say the same thing. I say, “Hi, I’m Jarod, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I offer you a glass of water, and bring back a cup of ice, I’m trying to teach you patience. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“Today is 8-9-10. August, 9, 2010. So hooray for Chronologically Ascending Day!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a book called “Conversations.” Of course, it’s all talk at this point.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Don’t steal because it’s immoral, not because you’re afraid you’ll get caught.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had an ass behind her that went on for days. In fact, I’m still talking about her.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to beat me to my rooster costume.” — Jarod Kintz Early morning Copy Share Image
“I never stopped loving you. I never did. I never loved you, not: I never did stop loving you.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.” — Jarod Kintz Argument Copy Share Image
“I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wonder if babies could be made more efficiently on a conveyer belt.” — Jarod Kintz Babies Copy Share Image
“I think someone should invent an edible remote control, to go along with TV dinners.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love with all your heart. And the rest of your body. Oh, and your mind, too.” — Jarod Kintz Heart Copy Share Image
“Make your money make money: Buy a printing press and some blank currency paper.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
