“I won’t ever walk out on my woman, not even if she gives me Gatorade and says I’m good to go.” — Jarod Kintz Woman Copy Share Image
“I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Red calls out to the rose, but I’m the only one who’s listening.” — Jarod Kintz Flowers Copy Share Image
“If I had a wooden leg I could sit on three-legged chairs no problem.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to unite two long-lost brothers. They’ve been apart for six inches, and that’s entirely too long, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I put the “phony” in symphony. Will you be attending my fake concert? It’s a black-tie event. Shirts, jackets, pants, and shoes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will taste tasty on your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Some of the vitamins I take are the size of jumbo jets, though they only pack about half the power.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able… — Jarod Kintz American freedom Copy Share Image
“She has a sly smile, and eyes that seem to see my essence as they explore my soul and implore my spirit… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The conversation went like this: Me: Hello? You left your panties over here. Her: Hello? Me: Oh, hi, grandma! I thought you… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“A trophy isn’t about the hardware, the gold-painted statue mounted on marble, it’s about the recognition of excellence. A trophy is a… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“People don’t blush when they’re embarrassed. White people blush when they’re embarrassed. Why so embarrassed, white people? Any skeletons in your closet?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind… — Jarod Kintz Lonely people Copy Share Image
“If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and… — Jarod Kintz Identity Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were traveling in your car. You were driving, and I was securely fastened by ropes… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish my erection pointed inwards. But it doesn’t, it points directly at you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to blanket the city of Hamburg with a slice of melted cheese.” — Jarod Kintz Hamburg Copy Share Image
“After learning the foreign language Gibberish, I became a dream spokesman.” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“It’s not that I don’t have the drive to succeed, but rather I don’t have the gas.” — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Weeping willows always remind me of summer. And sadness. Please stop crying sweet tree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to read the body language that people’s homes present.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
