“I want to make slow, passionate rush hour to a pack of masturbation.” — Jarod Kintz Passionate Copy Share Image
“I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“When all the trees are dead, I’ll be there, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-My son was 32 when he died. -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the love machine of desire. I’m easy to operate. Just pull on my lever.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a polarizing object. Especially if you find it at either the North or the South Pole. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be an object to measure your life against. Are you square, rigid, and inflexible? If yes, are you in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a bottle opener. Just don’t smash down too hard, or you’ll shatter the bottle. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My penis is so long that my urethra—not including my bladder—just my urethra, can hold up to 20 gallons of urine. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I said if I get her pregnant, I’d get to name our kid. She asked what I’d call it. I said, Tinkledink… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don't like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV… — Jarod Kintz Change the world Copy Share Image
“I made you a logo. It’s supposed to represent you as a person, and that’s why it looks like an asshole. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I feel sad, I try to think of someone else in the world who is suffering worse than me. Like someone… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“I’m very careful with political statements. When I bash the Republicans, I know I’ll piss off about half the people. That’s why… — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I give automated responses to people without even listening to what they say. For example, someone might tell me, “Enjoy the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I want to be a politician because I like the idea of public service. Come on, who wouldn’t want all the people… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Her name is Angela, though she’s no angel. Dad, I can’t believe she replenishes us.” — Jarod Kintz Angel Copy Share Image
“This presidential election will be as electric as an eel—and just as snakelike.” — Jarod Kintz Election Copy Share Image
“I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not Hispanic, I’m His panic. Who is He? He is the startled.” — Jarod Kintz Anxiety Copy Share Image
“A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!” — Jarod Kintz Body love Copy Share Image
“To find my mistakes, you’re going to need a shovel—and a missing person’s list.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“She yawned so loudly that I wanted to use her mouth as a putt putt golf hole.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“The Whisper Factory is now hiring! Report your grandma for suspicious behavior and get PAID!” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
