“The statue stood quiet and still, like the silhouette of a tired mime.” — Jarod Kintz Statue Copy Share Image
“My name is heroic. You just have to rearrange all the letters, and possibly replace a few.” — Jarod Kintz Heroic Copy Share Image
“I don't like musty smells. I much prefer less definitive fragrances, like the scent of maybe.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?” — Jarod Kintz Cannibalism Copy Share Image
“The only French I know is a kiss. I studied a lot of that foreign tongue in high school.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like holding hands. Especially if those holding hands are holding my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Holding hands Copy Share Image
“Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like Dracula uses binoculars. I swear that pervert peeps on me every night from the tree across… — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“Doors open up for you when you work hard. Doors also open up for you when you walk with a limp and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Quiet night. Silence at full capacity. Noiselessness is spilling over like a coffee cup full of jock cock. In a contact sport… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Today I got up at 6:03 AM. Ugh, too early. I just wanted to sleep in late, and wake up naturally at 6:04 AM.” — Jarod Kintz Sleep late Copy Share Image
“My stomach is my locker. Let me store your lunch for you. You’ll get it back, it’ll just be squishy, brown, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I brought a fruit basket. Instead of wicker, it’s made of fruit. Specifically, banana peels. I made it myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got tapped for the job position. As soon as I felt it on my shoulder, I turned around and my boss… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not stealing if I didn’t know it was in anybody’s possession, and I didn’t know I had it. It’s merely inadvertent… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m so shy that if you played “Guess The Mannequin” with me and two mannequins, you’d pick me, because I’m the quiet… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“An award winner recommended and commended someone’s work, and that someone later endorsed my work, so it’s like I’m an award winner… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Online social networking allows a small fish in a small pond to become bigger than a big fish in a big pond—without… — Jarod Kintz Big fish Copy Share Image
“She called and said she had to cancel tomorrow. “Cancel tomorrow!” I shrieked. “Does that make today the last day, or at… — Jarod Kintz Last day Copy Share Image
“What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a… — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“I got a call back on a job query from a week ago. It’s for a front desk position at a luxury… — Jarod Kintz Front desk Copy Share Image
“Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago, because both are forever out of reach.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you don’t cover your mouth, a yawn is an invitation for a blowjob.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Are you happy to be standing here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over six inches.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Chop off my erection. That way you don’t have to go battery-operated penis shopping.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We all have to have something to hold on to, even if it’s our own torso.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Instead of burning the midnight oil, you should try selling it.” — Jarod Kintz Selling Copy Share Image
“Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.” — Jarod Kintz Hell Copy Share Image
“My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I live in the armpit of the country. I can tell by how hairy and smelly and hilly it is.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“A large boiling pot of water is not a Jacuzzi. Still, I think you should jump in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
