“I want to make love to the French Revolution. Or maybe just get some head from Robespierre.” — Jarod Kintz French revolution Copy Share Image
“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I only get information from mutes, because they’re sure to keep things quiet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Amputate your leg, and attach it to the underside of your wobbly, three-legged chair. Fixing your chair is easy. Ask me how… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a long, hard day today. 18 inches long, to be exact. I had to deal with a dick all day,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s dead. I don’t celebrate who he was, but who he isn’t. He isn’t alive, and that is a great reason to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a half, I’d split it in half and share it with you. That’s love. Then I’d go find the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?” — Jarod Kintz Empty hands Copy Share Image
“I have pride in my name, because I have pride in myself. I do not represent my name—my name represents me.” — Jarod Kintz Pride Copy Share Image
“Some people work to live, and other people live to work. Then some people, like me, are both unemployed and alive (at… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since… — Jarod Kintz Best man Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There was an amazing party last night. I would have asked you to come with me, but the invitation read “Guest plus… — Jarod Kintz Invitation Copy Share Image
“With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wear sunglasses while I urinate, and pretend that my pee is a solar laser beam that will cut through my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way,… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“Sunglasses make me feel cool. They also make me feel cool. (Stylish and refreshingly chilly).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m romantic. I’ll try to make your bed while you’re still sleeping in it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A quiet kid is a good kid. But a quiet and invisible kid is an even better kid.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my last name were Hunter, I’d probably be more of a gatherer.” — Jarod Kintz Hunter Copy Share Image
“If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?” — Jarod Kintz Autobiography Copy Share Image
“I’m growing my hair out. Out of the country, because it’s cheaper to grow it in China.” — Jarod Kintz China Copy Share Image
“When my ex girlfriend left, I was crushed. Why’d she have to drive off in a steamroller?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to… — Jarod Kintz Lying Copy Share Image
