“The burden of proof weighs a lot, but it’s not as heavy as a certain 19th century German philosopher’s mustache. Trust me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn’t entirely… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the… — Jarod Kintz American dream Copy Share Image
“I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.” — Jarod Kintz Friends Copy Share Image
“I’m so lowbrow that I don’t want to grow a unibrow, but I do want to grow a unicycle on my forehead.” — Jarod Kintz Unicycle Copy Share Image
“I’ve just begun to scratch the surface of my talent, and boy does my talent itch. It’s like a red mosquito bite… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“What has four wooden legs and hangs out in a bar? If you answered a barstool, you’ve apparently never partied with a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Builders are building with you in mind, dear citizen, so don’t worry your tiny mind about whether the bricks they are… — Jarod Kintz Builders Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013!… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.”… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as… — Jarod Kintz Swimming pool Copy Share Image
“I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s… — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“I once went to a Russian restaurant called “Stalin’s Café.” All the items on the menu looked tempting, but after careful deliberation,… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If I were a paper pusher for a living, I’d be pissed if my coworkers moved my desk into the wind tunnel.… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“My grandma came over yesterday, and I had just jumped out of the shower, so I answered the door in my towel.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us, because it’s behind us, and we’re looking in a mirror.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be a standup economist, because isn’t money funny? Actually, without gold backing our currency, it’s all funny money.” — Jarod Kintz Funny money Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“If you tell me I look familiar but you just can’t place it, I’ll tell you that with two ears, two eyes,… — Jarod Kintz Faces Copy Share Image
“Nobody peels a banana before stabbing themselves with it. But that’s exactly how I love—dangerously. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at the dinner table? I’m training for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner table Copy Share Image
“Networking without caring about other people is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich minus the jelly and the peanut butter. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The ultimate gift is the gift of life. Please, accept this jug of semen as a present from me to you. And… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“Rembrandt painted portraits, The Karate Kid painted fences, and I paint my toenails. But I’m not a snob, I still consider those… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.” — Jarod Kintz Marathon Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Last February had 29 days. It wasn’t a leap year, but me and 28 of my clones each remember that month as… — Jarod Kintz Leap year Copy Share Image
“It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m… — Jarod Kintz Criminals Copy Share Image
“Dream dialogue: -Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different. -But I’m not different. I’m normal, I’m average, and… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I am the assembly line of love. Please take off your shoes before you run on my conveyer belt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“And the next morning, after a night of passionate sex, I said those three little words I knew she’d been waiting to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Competitively, I’m looking for the edge. I need to shave off inefficiencies and get rid of this Beard of Mediocrity.” — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“A priest, a politician, and a philosopher walk into a bar, and the bartender stabs one of them. Which one did he… — Jarod Kintz Philosophy Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge. ” — Jarod Kintz Bodybuilder Copy Share Image
“Orange juice so fresh it’s like a straw in an apple. Change for a twenty? Five fives, if you’ve got them. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them… — Jarod Kintz Cyanide Copy Share Image
“The French aren’t birthed; they’re hatched out of eggs. That’s why they make the best omelets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
