“I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words:… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I like a man who pauses to reflect, while pausing in the mirror to reflect. I can imagine that such a man… — Jarod Kintz Mirror Copy Share Image
“Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a frosted cupcake. And I just wanted to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I stepped on a banana spider today. I didn't crush it, but I did slip and fall. Then I got bit by… — Jarod Kintz Spider Copy Share Image
“I know the secret number of the universe. It’s one, for the individual in search of the secret number. But the secret… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“We’re all artists. It’s just most people keep their inner artist locked behind their rib cage.” — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“It’s not gay to jack off, so how could it be gay to give your clone a handjob? If anything, it’s on-the-job… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.” — Jarod Kintz Economics Copy Share Image
“I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in… — Jarod Kintz Getting Pregnant Copy Share Image
“If I converted an old bubble gum machine into a Love Dispenser, and charged a quarter for some love, then people probably… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everywhere I go I'm too focused on everyone else to realize that they are too focused on themselves. And by everyone else… — Jarod Kintz Focus Copy Share Image
“Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple… — Jarod Kintz Couple Copy Share Image
“Today I ate my manuscript with the very spoon I used to write it with. My book was called “Chicken Noodle Soup… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I am not challenging you to be you, I am challenging you to be you. In the first case, I’d be challenging… — Jarod Kintz Challenge Copy Share Image
“I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be a couple, and couple’s can’t be lonely. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m half naked. The question is not, Am I getting dressed or undressed? the question is, Am I a half-noble savage, or… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll never go hungry, because I’m a pet owner and a meat eater. I used to own broccoli, but taking it for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a hairy man, I’d never pat myself on the back, because with all that fur, a pat would turn… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the kangaroo of love. Do you question it? You can take your skepticism and stuff it straight down my pouch.” — Jarod Kintz Doubt Copy Share Image
“In middle school, I spent a lot of time with my buddy Edward. I called him Sex Ed, not because he got… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve been giving my armpits mixed signals, may they come to know peace, prosperity, and perspiration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don't know where to look for jobs, so I think I'll check out the unemployment office. They maybe hiring.” — Jarod Kintz Unemployment Copy Share Image
“In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that’s one bad thing that’s actually a good thing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, I used to use and apple instead of a baseball. It was just more fun to hit, and a healthier… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“With his spiked brown hair, he would have looked like a porcupine if he wasn’t in fact a freshly caught squirrel I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Trying to stay within my budget, I bought napkins instead of underwear. They’re not as comfortable to wear, but less likely to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood… — Jarod Kintz Big heart Copy Share Image
“One of my seminars is “Leadership in the 20th century: How being a century behind still puts you ahead of all your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares?… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“If there are #coffee stains on my @Harvard application, it’s because I was up all night Photoshopping a high school diploma. Please… — Jarod Kintz Apology Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
