“A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When he misbehaves, I’ll clap and then point at my cat, as if transmitting the sting of the slap towards him in… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“In the future, I’ll be furniture. Step on me now or sit on me later, but either way let me know how… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I go to a restaurant and they say, “How many in your party?” and I say, “One,” I feel sad because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re on a date, and I’m being all seductive by talking nonstop about such interesting topics… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren't for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What you wear is more important than what you say, and if your shirt’s not pressed, impressions are instantly formed about you.… — Jarod Kintz Nudists Copy Share Image
“Love can make people do crazy things. I once saw a man streak down Blanding Blvd. with only a banana peel stapled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a universal truism that won’t be blurred by body language, cultural confusion, or translation mishaps, so I want… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“I think you’re funny, and the toilet sounds like a soda can opening when it flushes. It’s a diet soda, so it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her clothes were half off—a sale, not a strip tease. Watching her shop was as hot as a fresh cup of coffee,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“U2 makes music for guys who have ears and can hear. But U2 makes concert imagery for guys who need visual stimulation… — Jarod Kintz Concerts Copy Share Image
“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Here in Jacksonville there’s a road called Commonwealth Blvd., and today as I was driving on it, I realized how socialist the… — Jarod Kintz Socialist Copy Share Image
“I have a "Waiter, there's a hair in my soup" dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as disbelief. I can tell you believe me, so why don’t you go ahead and hold this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I think of the Middle Ages I think of castles, Catholicism, and taking your kids to soccer practice.” — Jarod Kintz Middle ages Copy Share Image
“A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriends Copy Share Image
“I was hoping you’d leave the back door open for me, I said as he turned around to bend over and pick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Death is like bedtime—we all want to put it off until tomorrow. But when you’re going to bed, I’m just getting up,… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“We made love like Tuesday at noon, even though it was Thursday at 3:00, and then again at 3:03. (I have the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Helping others without anticipating or expecting others to help you in return, that is the path to spiritual prosperity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Silence is downright noisy when you’re a loud thinker like I am. Alone and quiet, it’s like a networking event in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
