“It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no… — Jarod Kintz Closest friends Copy Share Image
“Funerals and weddings often take place in the same location. Some would also argue that they sometimes happen at the same time… — Jarod Kintz Funeral Copy Share Image
“It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The phrase “Rat you out” is offensive because it’s not offensive enough. It should be “Politician you out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to do something different, and make a difference in people’s lives. If everyone jumps off a bridge, I’ll be the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dove in feet first. I like to dive in feet before I dive in hands, because I don’t like feeling like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be affixed to the collar of my shirt, because I’ve already got the weight of the world on my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A person’s favorite word is brother, because he or she can relate to it. I love it because we value most in… — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“I often find myself in a room full of strangers, and very often it’s a tough crowd. But I’m a master networker,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing,… — Jarod Kintz Millionaire Copy Share Image
“If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won't discuss non-discussable things with her, like the sound of silence or the vertical dimensions of an awkward moment. Those sorts… — Jarod Kintz Awkward moment Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make it harder for people to achieve their dreams. A brick is just another obstacle they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He has wisdom beyond his years. He’s 87-years-old, and he’s at least as wise as an 88-year-old.” — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
“I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to disguise the fact that I’m blushing. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! Don’t look at the… — Jarod Kintz Blushing Copy Share Image
“His face is so chiseled and angular that if he stood on the street corner and blushed, oncoming traffic would come to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are going to be a lot of eyes on this year's annual Blindfold Convention. People always want to watch what they… — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going… — Jarod Kintz Balloon Copy Share Image
“My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“When 100 people in a room are all talking about me, is it called networking—or the benefits of cloning?” — Jarod Kintz Cloning Copy Share Image
“I’m a Colorado boy at heart, even though my surrounding body is like the landmass containing the encircling 47 states. But I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. ” — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.” — Jarod Kintz Competition Copy Share Image
“A one-winged bird does not fly south for the winter. It flies south, west, north, and east, over and over. That’s how… — Jarod Kintz Bird Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a doorstop. But why bother? To promote an open-door policy, I had all the walls knocked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t just love you, I love you a 9.7. I would love you a 10, but who do you think you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The Italians say “Chow.” To them it means “Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is it better to pull someone, or push them to succeed? I have no idea, but will you be my slinky?” — Jarod Kintz Motivational Copy Share Image
“I said it unto him who isn’t, and he wisely said nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is saying more than enough.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My blanket is a year old. And amazingly, it still purrs just as loud today as it did when it was a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Obesity isn't as cool as it used to be, back in the earlier centuries. Before it was a reflection on your gross… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
