“I thought orange was a more electable color, so I dyed my whole cat orange, and renamed him Abe Lincoln. I licked… — Jarod Kintz Abe Lincoln Copy Share Image
“I like saying things that are both repetitive and repetitive. But I never repeat an I love you. I repeat: I never… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tanks are so big and expensive they should be Buy One Get One Free. If they were, I’d buy 60 of them… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“What I did I can’t undo. But I can address it, and undress you.” This is the chorus in a new song… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sharks are so stupid. They swam right up to the boat, and they couldn’t even tell that I was chumming the water… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A great gift would be a cheap pen, mounted on a wooden plaque, with the accompanying label that reads, “This is the… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“Call me paranoid, but the shape the human hand makes when extending out for a handshake looks suspiciously like a karate chop.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The shirt I have on today is the color of a banana, and tomorrow’s shirt will also be the color of a… — Jarod Kintz Tomorrow Copy Share Image
“I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down… — Jarod Kintz Friday Copy Share Image
“Order for Jarod,” she said as I walked over to pick it up. This was it, this was my moment. Rebecca has… — Jarod Kintz Smile Copy Share Image
“I always keep a spare set of keys in a spare set of pants that are folded up and stuffed in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and… — Jarod Kintz Graduating class Copy Share Image
“I haven’t the faintest idea how babies are born, probably because I fainted on the day I was born.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I visited my old haunt, but somehow without all my old friends there with me, the cemetery just wasn’t the same.” — Jarod Kintz Cemetery Copy Share Image
“After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I’m 6’3”, but you would think I was Napoleon’s height because I’m slouched over with poor posture, and I have a lust… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have no secrets from each other, though sometimes I wish some things were more hidden. What’s more transparent than invisible?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“We made love like water makes life, and thinking about it makes me so horny I’m thirsty. My cup runneth over, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Standing in cat litter is not the same as walking on the beach. Trust me, you can’t pee on the beach.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m going to spend a lifetime being me, so I’d better like who I am as a person. My clone better like… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Every time the sound of one of my farts reverberates in a toilet bowl, I think of you. Could this be love?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away, but he was just very aloof.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part of the word "booboo" is the breast. While the word doesn't suck, it is quite suckable.” — Jarod Kintz Boobs Copy Share Image
“Some men might buy their wives stoves for their birthdays. But I’m not that sexist. I also got mine a lawnmower.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Art books are filled with interesting images. And that’s cool and all, but I look more for the nudes.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the lingering blinker clicking rhythmically long after the dotted line has been crossed. I’m the most courteous fuck you on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse than warts are lawyers and lobbyists. ” — Jarod Kintz Lobbyists Copy Share Image
“Fireworks are SkyFlowers—dandelions of light. They are a visual display of the celebration of life.” — Jarod Kintz Celebration Copy Share Image
“Miami Insurance Agency, or MIA, has been missing in action (MIA) since I first wrote about it fifteen words and two acronyms… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a closet sociopath. You can tell by all the skeletons I have hanging up next to my clothes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my life I haven’t done anything worth writing about, but that’s OK. That’s why I write fiction.” — Jarod Kintz Fiction Copy Share Image
