“I like the crunch sound of snow under my boots. Better than stepping on knuckles.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I live my life according to a code. You might know it by the surname Morse.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).” — Jarod Kintz Albino Copy Share Image
“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?” — Jarod Kintz Beer Copy Share Image
“Killing a bird is a murder most fowl. Trying to play doctor with a duck makes you a quack.” — Jarod Kintz Killing Copy Share Image
“I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest. ” — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.” — Jarod Kintz Action Copy Share Image
“I was forced to eat crow. I was so embarrassed that I would have eaten any other bird, including ostrich.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The girl of my dreams got married to someone else. But that’s OK. I don’t need her beside me to keep her… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Would you agree with the statement: Love is a hamburger? If yes, would you like to add cheese for only 99 cents?” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“The diner was more twiner than Twain, and I found a mustache in my soup. Maybe it was Mark’s. I guess that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could deliver the zeitgeist through the thick skull of a politician faster than any letter or email. ” — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some of the higher-ups in the organization don’t know anything about the company—including which floor they are on (the top one). It… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Lead is to lead as follow is to follow. And lead is to lead as a type of metal is to a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It has always been a fantasy of mine to drive a bulldozer. If I had a bulldozer, I could really build up… — Jarod Kintz Real estate Copy Share Image
“There’s no room in my life for a woman. I mean I live in a closet, and I suppose I could squish… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Participation trophies are junk. If all you have to do is show up, how worthless are they? Unless you’re invisible and deaf,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket, coupled with an impressive erection, could serve as a suitable replacement for a lost tent at next year’s “Bring your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love giving love. The more I give, the more I have to give.” — Jarod Kintz Giving Copy Share Image
“A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wasn’t on vacation. I was in the bathroom for an extended length of pee.” — Jarod Kintz Vacation Copy Share Image
“Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball.” — Jarod Kintz Sexuality Copy Share Image
“Jack Black and Betty White should couple and produce Earl Grey. I could go for a cup of tea.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I’m not in the system. I’m starting to question my own existence.” — Jarod Kintz Existence Copy Share Image
“I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.” — Jarod Kintz Bachelor Copy Share Image
“On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.” — Jarod Kintz Alcoholic Copy Share Image
