“A zebra has stripes, the American flag has stripes, and I have an erection. Coincidence?” — Jarod Kintz American flag Copy Share Image
“Her legs are so long and sexy that I can see them 26.2 miles away. Gatorade. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He left then reappeared 15 seconds later, so I said, “Did you have a good nap?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re at the bar trying to pick up women, remember: bend at the knees.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!” — Jarod Kintz Labor Copy Share Image
“I always wear size 14 boat shoes that are so old they could have been built by Noah.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it doesn’t mean that, so I’ll just… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the… — Jarod Kintz Cloning Copy Share Image
“I wanted “300” to be less about fighting, and more about bowling. At least they could have had the Spartans wear bowling shoes.” — Jarod Kintz Spartans Copy Share Image
“If you can’t respect me as a banana, then I’m not sure how you can respect me as a man. Aside from… — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“A tickle, an itch, and a scratch walk into a bar while I was in the corner drinking a thermos full of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate while wearing boxing gloves? It gives a whole new meaning to “beating my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I listen to AM radio in the AM, and AM radio for an AM audience in my PM (though it comes from… — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“I’m like Mary Annette, but I’m not a marionette. Who’s Mary Annette? The first woman of color to be elected to Phi… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw myself in a piece of glass that wasn’t a mirror. Was that my doppelganger or my clone? Who was that?… — Jarod Kintz Doppelganger Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I recognized Rebecca immediately, though it is doubtful whether I registered on her radar. We had a graphic design class together. I… — Jarod Kintz Graphic design Copy Share Image
“The only reason I don’t know more about love is because there just isn’t more to know. In fact, I’ve reduced love… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Sign I wrote on the inside of a brick wall: This is not an exit. This is a wall. Though if you… — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.” — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love.” — Jarod Kintz Knitting Copy Share Image
“I’m interested in portraying the internal workings of things externally out of work.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hot as a watermelon in this cantaloupe called pineapple. And that’s a fact.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made an ice sculpture that represents my love for you. It never melts.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I used to drive a parking lot, and I’d always park it directly under somebody’s car.” — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I'm on a backhoe, I'm shaping clay. I am a sculptor. I am a farm artist.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m a stand up guy. Especially when compared to someone sitting down.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Lay on me, and let my heat escape up to you, while you’ll act as my insulation and blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Heat Copy Share Image
“If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.” — Jarod Kintz Chance Copy Share Image
