“I’d like to tweeze all the Tuesdays of the year, and all the Mondays off my chest.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“Some people should have stopped singing in the 60s, even if they were born in the 80s.” — Jarod Kintz Singing Copy Share Image
“I thought I was placing my hand on her knee. But it turned out to be her saggy boob.” — Jarod Kintz Boob Copy Share Image
“I walk like I have tornadoes for legs. Let us make love like Kansas.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Pepperoni looks so much like nipples that I can’t eat pizza without getting horny.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about a superhero’s cape is it doubles as a blanket when your nemesis uses his freeze gun on you.” — Jarod Kintz Comic Copy Share Image
“I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When I turned 30, I was done with Thousand Island dressing. I have moved on to Island Number 1001.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and… — Jarod Kintz Sports Copy Share Image
“Eyes are shaped like leaves, mouths are shaped like leaves, and goodbyes are shaped like leaves. But my love, that is shaped… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in place of B. Rick, who is sorry he couldn’t make it to this sentence. But he… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Did I hear that right? Did someone say ice cream? It’s an odd thing to say in the middle of a eulogy,… — Jarod Kintz Eulogy Copy Share Image
“Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the… — Jarod Kintz Rhode island Copy Share Image
“If I had a necklace made out of tiny suns, I’d only wear it at night when you could really see it.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Only men who have crouched in the trenches under heavy machine gun fire, and then rose as one to charge the perceived… — Jarod Kintz Brothers Copy Share Image
“Ben had never seen another hotel quite like The Mandrake. The valets were all dressed like Roman Centurions, the Doorman was dressed… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.” — Jarod Kintz Pajamas Copy Share Image
“I like the New York Times. I only wish it were softer, and more like toilet paper.” — Jarod Kintz Journalism Copy Share Image
“I observe President’s Day. I observe it with my binoculars.” — Jarod Kintz Binoculars Copy Share Image
“Alliteration Day took place on 1/1/11. So did Repetition Day and the Day of the One.” — Jarod Kintz Alliteration Copy Share Image
“You should plan ahead, so people know roughly where to start digging to look for you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite color is brown, as in Andrew Benson Brown.” — Jarod Kintz Favorite color Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn't spill out. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Security shouldn’t enforce, they should massage situations, without laying a hand on a guest.” — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.” — Jarod Kintz Cannibalism Copy Share Image
“The Bible says man has sin nature, but do clones have sin nature?” — Jarod Kintz Bible Copy Share Image
