“When it seems like the sky is about to collapse, relax, that’s just the roof caving in.” — Jarod Kintz Collapse Copy Share Image
“I gave her a Boston cream pie, even though we were in Seattle at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Seattle Copy Share Image
“In bed, I could climb in, if you ever rest. Then I could mount you like Everest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t work security at the dodge ball factory, but I was a bouncer.” — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“I crammed six years of silence into sixty seconds, held frozen and firm with an icy stare. ” — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“There are days when I don’t know how I live with myself. Those days are Sundays through Saturdays.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I ever decide to kill you, you’d be the first to know about it. (And hopefully the only person to know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“She sucked my finger, and I licked the sleepy seeds out of the corner of her eye. Ah, foreplay.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works… — Jarod Kintz Body work Copy Share Image
“The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you… — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Alphabet soup Copy Share Image
“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are… — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“A picture is worth a thousand words, but is 400% less valuable, because a picture only captures one of the senses—sight. However,… — Jarod Kintz Photography Copy Share Image
“Yes, he was Chinese, but Chew wasn't only his last name, it was also his first. And I found this strange considering… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to store valuable information that will keep future generations warm overnight. And just so you know, it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t mind politicians lying to me, stealing from me, or senselessly making life difficult if they didn’t try to claim they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On second thought, maybe “Penis on a Stick Ice Cream Parlor” is not such a good name for a business—even an ice… — Jarod Kintz Day care Copy Share Image
“A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just… — Jarod Kintz Bank robbery Copy Share Image
“No bears were molested in the making of this book. Well, no live bears.” — Jarod Kintz Bears Copy Share Image
“The number 12 is good, the number 123 is better, but the number one is still the best.” — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“I always never leave things for the last minute. I leave them for 59 seconds.” — Jarod Kintz Last minute Copy Share Image
“My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis. ” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I can’t do a round off, but I can round off to the nearest back handspring.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She told me she has her eye on me, so I said, And what do you have your other eye on?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.” — Jarod Kintz Power Copy Share Image
“I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.” — Jarod Kintz Christ Copy Share Image
“A wink and a glance walk into a bar. I know because I saw it out of the corner of my eye.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just got around to brushing my teeth today, and now my asshole smells minty fresh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
