“OK isn’t just all right—it’s also the abbreviation for the state above Texas.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)” — Jarod Kintz Homosexuality Copy Share Image
“Water is nearly invisible. So is my love. Drink it in, but don’t choke on it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My goal is to do the most with the least—get the maximum output with the minimum input.” — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“Communicating, like undressing someone, can effectively be done with your eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On the subject of how to make friends, I would give you some tips, but I just don’t have any. Oh, I… — Jarod Kintz Close friends Copy Share Image
“A chef should make a dish using only my words as ingredients. My words will taste great in your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If I only ate popsicles, I wonder if I’d rather freeze or starve to death. Freezing or starving, they’re like either option… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“The spirit is tied to the brain—for the brain makes us who we are. So if our spirit lives after death, so… — Jarod Kintz Brain Copy Share Image
“I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.” — Jarod Kintz Loyalty Copy Share Image
“I would tell you I hope you find what you seek in life, but your problem is you’re not looking. The only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But what if that bleeding is figurative? In that case, I’d recommend a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket could be used to show creativity, by making them the subjects of a divergence test. Oh wait,… — Jarod Kintz Creativity Copy Share Image
“I want to price my next book and adjust it for the coming hyperinflation. So instead of the normal one dollar price,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I think a great book title would be “Ida Says ‘I do’ in Idaho.” It would be about a divorce in Washington… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only… — Jarod Kintz Right thing Copy Share Image
“I designed a dress out of scotch tape. If you wear my dress, you can be dressed and undressed at the same… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I’m no Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I have the definition of a dictionary. If you admire my calves now, just wait a few… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember:… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sure hope Wrigley doesn't start making socks, because then I wouldn't be able to refuse if someone offered me some socks.… — Jarod Kintz Art making Copy Share Image
“She said “I love you,” and I said the only thing I could say: “How about every other Tuesday?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“My resume speaks for itself, so to speak. I recorded it on a tape recorder.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need your help. Hold this water balloon while I pee in it.” — Jarod Kintz Balloon Copy Share Image
“When your clothes are aren’t, I’ll be there trying to get invisible with you.” — Jarod Kintz Clothes Copy Share Image
“Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your hand.” — Jarod Kintz Masturbation Copy Share Image
“Pound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.” — Jarod Kintz Gandhi Copy Share Image
“I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirection. ” — Jarod Kintz Magic Copy Share Image
“Fighting and dancing are kind of related. Especially if you dance with another man’s woman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s what’s inside that matters. I’m confused inside, because I just ate some sweet and sour.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
