“I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals—including politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“My neck size is about the size of both of my girlfriend’s clenched hands.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“If I had the word “war” in my last name, like “Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.” — Jarod Kintz Peace Copy Share Image
“Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that.” — Jarod Kintz Balance Copy Share Image
“Love is snowy, like the raincloud I left in the freezer. I would ski on the slope of your kiss, but I’d… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“We made love like a John and a hooker, despite the fact that my name’s Jarod. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Captain Aptitude. Well, I will be, once I get acclimated to the climate at this altitude.” — Jarod Kintz Aptitude Copy Share Image
“A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“From a distance it looked like a dog, but it was just a smashed and beaten box. Still, I’m glad I swerved… — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have… — Jarod Kintz Future wife Copy Share Image
“He was a pleasant fellow, saying please and thank you as he pounded me in the face. That’s why I sent him… — Jarod Kintz Saying please Copy Share Image
“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made… — Jarod Kintz Wall Copy Share Image
“I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor… — Jarod Kintz Character Copy Share Image
“I sometimes lie awake at night wishing I had all the answers. But I guess only God has all of them, while… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The house I grew up in is one of a kind. It’s a bibliophile’s fantasy, and if the Library of Congress had… — Jarod Kintz Bibliophile Copy Share Image
“A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was alone in that room. Of course, there were bodies all around, but they were all dead. They were dead when… — Jarod Kintz Solitude Copy Share Image
“My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If rubber bands played basketball, I’d tell them, You have to be better down the stretch.” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“Please, come in. Let me open the air conditioning vent so you can squeeze through.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I get Gulliver’s Travels and Thousand Island dressing mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Gulliver Copy Share Image
“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather have a high EQ than a high IQ. After all, what is more important than love?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d steal clothes.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Get a watermelon, draw a face on it, and talk to it before making love to it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
