“I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Candy is full of taste. But so is shit, because taste is full of smell.” — Jarod Kintz Candy Copy Share Image
“He was a cheeky bastard, especially when he talked with a thong in his mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Cheeky Copy Share Image
“My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.” — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody likes a dick. Except a pussy. Or an asshole. Or a goat’s mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“No matter how bad things get, just keep looking up. Just keep looking up her skirt. Or his kilt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pigs might make great pets, but they make better breakfast. I’ll take one big snuggle, with a side of scrambled eggs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Knowing he’s easily offended, I offered him earplugs, rather than curbing my vulgarity. Who said I don’t love my fellow man?” — Jarod Kintz Easily offended Copy Share Image
“My writing, it’s all I have. Well, aside from my health. And shelter, food, and clothing. Oh, and my cat.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Love, I wrote the book on it. Unfortunately, nobody would publish it, so I felt compelled to burn my manuscript.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I suppose Orafoura was right about the vagina. It is such a wonderful spot to vacation. I’d recommend taking the whole family.” — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be given away at the Olympics, instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals. If all a champion… — Jarod Kintz Bronze medal Copy Share Image
“I made a t-shirt that says, "Today's my birthday" on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“A sample may taste better than the whole, because it’s meant for a taste test, which is perceptually expected to garner favorable… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“If you asked me if I’d rather make love to you, or have my balls cut out with the spine of a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My last name comes after my first name, but it came before my first name, and it’ll be around after my first… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This is America. Every vote counts. Sometimes twice, if it helps me get elected.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An elephant trunk is a metaphor for a penis. But not just any penis—my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Elephant Copy Share Image
“I want to drum up interest for instruments that are played by beating them with sticks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not getting fat and lazy. I’ve always been lazy. C’mon, I’m American!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On any job application I ever do, if they want my references, I always list the Bible.” — Jarod Kintz Bible Copy Share Image
“This leather chair belongs to me. I would let you sit in it, but you can’t sit in an idea.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
