I’m trying to liquidate my assets. Somebody get me a straw.

“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?”

— Jarod Kintz

“I wouldn’t love you if you were the last Sodomite in Gomorrah.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,…

— Jarod Kintz

“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)”

— Jarod Kintz

“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out…

— Jarod Kintz

“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Embossed letters represent the topography of typography.”

— Jarod Kintz

“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other…

— Jarod Kintz

“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg…

— Jarod Kintz

“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.”

— Jarod Kintz

“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.”

— Jarod Kintz